Elon Musk sends old flame Donald Trump a scare package

The White House has received a package ticking more suspiciously than a Tesla.

Personally addressed to 'Nice wig. It would be a shame if something happened to it', the delivery was initially popped over the back fence of 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue by the ever diligent Jeff Bezos.

Following close scrutiny by defunded and non-existent security services, the parcel was declared probably OK, and left on the Resolute Desk along with the usual viciously nobbled giant Russian gherkin, a tub of expired Kinky-Yogurt Jelly, and a bottle of medicinal bleach.

Included in the thoughtful scare package were tickets to an America Party, a selection of rapid unscheduled disassembly products, and a horse's head called Peter Thiel.

It is unclear at this time which of the fake Donald Trumps opened the bundle, but the noise from the Oval Orifice was described as 'a bit SpaceXy'.

However, initial reports confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg was sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom at someone else's mum's house rocking with his chin on his knees murmuring, 'No one ever sends me nuffink.'

Image: Package Parcel Packaging - Free photo on Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Reasons why I didn't go to Jeff Bezos' wedding in Venice

What do you do when you get a wedding invite to a billionaire tech bro's wedding in Venice? Now you have to rearrange your diary, get plane tickets to Italy, figure out if you can claim it as a business expense, buy a new outfit, and more. Worst of all, you have to get them a wedding present that isn't for sale on Amazon, but would be delivered quicker & reliably. And you probably can't get it from Temu or Shein either, as that would cause offence. What a hassle!

So, given the cost, inconvenience, wall-to-wall media coverage, and - worst of all - having to meet all those annoying rich bastards - you could apply yourself to finding an excellent reason why you can't go.

Which is what we did.

Here's our list of the best excuses we could come up with...

- I didn't know when it was - somebody should have mentioned it

- Lauren and I used to be an item

- I turned up at Venice Street, Bolton

- I'm far too rich to attend pleb weddings

- Jeff stole my idea for an online marketplace, and I haven't forgiven him

- I would only go if Donald went with me

- all the Prime seats had gone

- I found another one cheaper on eBay

- it's a hard choice between Jeff's wedding and a hotel stay with Donald Trump in Moscow, afternoon tea with Harold Shipman and a pony trekking holiday in Gaza; I think I'll go to Gaza

- I was worried I'd have to subscribe to regular weddings in order to get money off

- it would betray all my Venice-in-peril donations from eating Veneziana pizzas

- I only go to weddings with five star reviews

- I didn't want to marry Jeff Bezos

- Amazon had increased the price of posh frocks and tuxedos in the run-up to the wedding, and Dunn and Co, went bust after Amazon came on the scene, so I had no idea if I'd just look like a fat bastard in an ill-fitting suit at such short notice

- I was worried that the wedding would show up in my favourites list

- Venice for weddings is so passé

- I was performing a secret set at Glastonbury - so secret no one was there

- it was the only day I could get a driving test

- I was stuck on a train in Wisbech on the connecting route to Great Yarmouth

- I'm Keanu Reeves and I wouldn't go to something like that

- because I'd see more of the wedding at home on TV than I would if I was there in person

- I've been to three funerals recently, so I don't need any more free nosh

With contributions from deskpilot, modelmaker, lockjaw, sirlupus, will , and Titus

Image credit: Wix AI

A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon.  Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing consequences.

The closure is thought to be because the company is in trouble, or because the lease has ended, or because people don’t buy that sort of stuff any more, or because they are relocating to larger or smaller premises, or because of shoplifting, or because there was a cannabis farm in the roof.  The store is expected to cease trading later this year, or possibly next year.

We contacted staff members who were gutted by the closure plans. Jezza, who has worked at the store for a number of weeks, says that of all the minimum wage jobs he’s had, this is definitely one of them. He asked us not to mention the company products stuffed up his jumper, and said that he’d been asked to take them home for testing.

We contacted the company for comment, but their company policy is not to comment.   They did, however, comment that they have lots of branches and that there will still be a number of stores nearby.   They also said that store closures do happen fairly frequently, and the local media’s obsession with running stories about them was driving everyone at the company slightly nuts.

Colin, a shopper who has lived locally for 70 years, says that he is a big fan of the company’s products and that he finds them very useful.  He used to shop at the store every day, up until the restraining order. He says that the journey to the next nearest store is not difficult, although he can’t shop there either, for reasons that he wouldn’t disclose.

Photo by Bruce Williamson on Unsplash