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"Join us, Keir!" say sloths. "The humans don't deserve you"


The South American rainforest-based Kingdom of Three-Toed Sloths has invited Sir Keir Starmer to head up their government.


"Looking around the other world leaders," drawled a spokes-sloth, "we found them just too fast and frantic - always in a hurry to try and fix things with their countries.


"Sir Keir is much more our speed. When the UK's defence chiefs said they desperately needed money right now to re-arm against Russia, he told them they could have a little bit more in two years' time. That's our style! With us, he could have said 300 years. It would take us that long to load a musket.


"Keir is the perfect sloth leader, happy to do nothing more dynamic in his life than to read official papers very deliberately and hold everlasting meetings at which damn all is decided.


"His talent for total inaction is wasted on the citizens of the UK and it's only a matter of time before he sees sense and joins us here at our Amazonian Jungle branch, 100 feet above the ground in Mato Grosso."




Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked


An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.


After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition were surprised to come across a village of tribespeople who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.


However, the village headman Guaraná confirmed that none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.


“What an absolute cockwomble,” Guaraná continued. “I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.”


A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.


“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. “Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.”


A primitive, Stone Age people who haven’t yet discovered fire or the wheel, Reform now has one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.


image by Google Gemini

Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked


An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.


After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition was surprised to come across a village of tribes people who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.


However, according to village headman Guaraná, none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins had once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.


'What an absolute cockwomble,' Guaraná continued. 'I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.'


A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.


“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. 'Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.'


A primitive, Stone Age people whose technology is limited to flint arrowheads, Reform now has almost one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.



Image credit: NB archive

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