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In a move that has set the world of superheroes reeling, Barbra Broccoli, long-time Bond producer and custodian of the James Bond brand, has announced that Batman is to be the new James Bond, taking over from Daniel Craig.


The announcement was made after an intense weekend of auditions at a secret location in southeast London which led to headlines like Broccoli to Brockley.


The caped crusader beat off competition from the likes of Callum Turner, Jack Lowden and Josh O'Connor, leaving those who had wanted the first black Bond bitterly disappointed.


On hearing he was successful Batman said: 'I've been an admirer of James' work for many years, particularly the strides he has made in tackling those who would threaten to blow up Earth itself. It is an honour to take up the mantle.'


Others are not so happy. Spiderman, Superman and the Hulk issued a joint statement saying: 'We deplore one of our number going to the other side like this, chasing the Amazon dollar [Amazon now has creative control of the Bond franchise]. We are also very sorry to report that Batman's faithful partner Robin has gone straight into therapy.'


Meanwhile, how Batman will use Bond's most famous phrase remains a closely guarded secret. Perhaps simply: 'The name's 'man. Batman.'


Image: WixAI


Take a walk

Play with the cat

Read a book

Plant some seeds (or talk to your plants)

Bake something

Phone a loved one

Decide to make all your Christmas presents this year

Learn to knit

Have a really long bath

Cure cancer

Reflect on the damage done by rampant consumerism and Jeff Bezos

Enjoy!



Image credit: Wix AI



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Despite three Amazon Prime vans attempting to locate RAF Fairford, the online retailer insists it will deliver the packages ordered late last week from a Mr I Ran. 'Apparently they insist we don't leave the packages at the air base next door,' said an Amazon spokesman, adding, 'it's very irritating as for some reason security is very tight at the moment. Maybe they should order some Ring doorbell cameras if they're so paranoid,'


Counter terrorist police are being typically tight-lipped but have confirmed that they have impounded three Prime delivery vans, arrested five personnel, impounded several plastic barrels of urine and have discovered several parcels reported missing three months ago.


This isn't the first time Mr I Ran has arranged deliveries to the US manned airbase. It has previously ordered twenty pounds of plastic explosive and a clockwork timer device to be delivered using Asda home delivery, however the retailer substituted two lego kits and a Hello Kitty wall clock. Domino Pizza also attempted to deliver a pizza of mass destruction late last year, but forgot to add the Jalapeno peppers so it was turned back at the main gate.




Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

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