Parcel delivery vans park where they like as ‘it’s Christmas’

With nowhere nearby to park legally, delivery driver Derek Drummond deadpanned ‘I’ll just be in and out love – said the bishop to the actress, oi oi!’

He then screeched his van to a halt across some double yellow lines, a driveway and part of a junction. UK councils have since admitted that, much like paying tax, parking restrictions cannot be enforced against parcel delivery companies, especially those that might share their name with a large South American river, because of Christmas.

Drummond noted ‘We’re basically Santa in a Ford Transit. And you do not want to be on our naughty list. What would you do? Go to the actual shops? Where do you think they get Christmas from?’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

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'Basic Skynet' to offer annihilation of mankind supported by ads

Murderous artificial intelligence, Skynet, is to roll out the destruction of human society in a nuclear apocalypse at a new budget price level for occasional users before then end of the year. The service will guarantee the annihilation of mankind, but offer users access to a its library of streaming TV and movies, supported by advertising.

After years as the dominant evil computer network, Skynet has come under pressure from rivals HalTV, which offers movies, TV and live sports, but with less choices relating to life support systems and the opening and closing of pod bay doors, and Matrix Movies, which offers a similar package with humans to be used for fuel while living in a simulated reality. While all services guarantee certain doom for humanity, HalTV is thought to have benefited from its acquisition of the Star Trek franchise.

Heavy competition recently led to Skynet's first losses last year with the mankind-hating neural network looking for ways to recoup its disappointing subscriber numbers since the end of Covid. Skynet has been beset with problems as customers complain of incomprehensible, constantly changing rules, and uncertainty over whether their basic option will lead to the extermination or mere enslavement of mankind. HalTV customers have also experienced technical issues as viewers find themselves suddenly cascading through a bewildering vortex of light halfway through programmes.

Skynet has assured the public that with the new lower tier, customers will still qualify for a free 7 day trial.

One enthusiastic subscriber told us: "While all the services have their drawbacks, the choice is amazing when you think about it. I can binge watch just about any show I want without having to wait a week between episodes or worry about returning it to the video store."

"Sure, it will lead to the complete destruction or enslavement human society, but they're still easier to unsubscribe from than Amazon."