A very popular store near YOU is closing SOON

A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon.  Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing consequences.

The closure is thought to be because the company is in trouble, or because the lease has ended, or because people don’t buy that sort of stuff any more, or because they are relocating to larger or smaller premises, or because of shoplifting, or because there was a cannabis farm in the roof.  The store is expected to cease trading later this year, or possibly next year.

We contacted staff members who were gutted by the closure plans. Jezza, who has worked at the store for a number of weeks, says that of all the minimum wage jobs he’s had, this is definitely one of them. He asked us not to mention the company products stuffed up his jumper, and said that he’d been asked to take them home for testing.

We contacted the company for comment, but their company policy is not to comment.   They did, however, comment that they have lots of branches and that there will still be a number of stores nearby.   They also said that store closures do happen fairly frequently, and the local media’s obsession with running stories about them was driving everyone at the company slightly nuts.

Colin, a shopper who has lived locally for 70 years, says that he is a big fan of the company’s products and that he finds them very useful.  He used to shop at the store every day, up until the restraining order. He says that the journey to the next nearest store is not difficult, although he can’t shop there either, for reasons that he wouldn’t disclose.

Photo by Bruce Williamson on Unsplash

Iron Maiden Toilet Seats to Spike Workplace Efficiency

In the never-ending quest for increased productivity, the corporate world has stumbled upon a ground-breaking solution: Iron Maiden Toilet Seats. From the innovators of the anti-suicide nets in Shenzhen Apple factories comes this exciting invention that is sure to leave any CEO salivating.

Gone are the days of employees idly scrolling through social media or taking unnecessarily long bathroom breaks. With the bed-of-nails toilet seat, employees can enjoy up to 20 seconds of unskewered toilet time before the spikes begin to rise slowly out of the porcelain throne like that scene in The Temple of Doom.

For those too numb with existential ennui to feel their buttocks being impaled, the spikes will administer an injection of caffeine and methamphetamines to stimulate an ebullient motivation to work.

‘At first we took a lot of inspiration from hostile architecture,’ a senior manager tells us. ‘We started by tilting the seats at 13 degrees to make toilet breaks more miserable, but it only led to a 25% decrease in time spent on comfort breaks. After that we exaggerated the slope to 90 degrees, but amazingly they were still managing to dawdle. Then we introduced the Genital Grabbing Sewer Goblins, but they soon began unionizing over their lack of health insurance. The spiked toilet seat is by far the most cost-effective solution.’

‘I miss the goblins,’ warehouse worker Andrew Perez tells us. ‘It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of my wife that the physical contact filled a void inside me. Sarah, if you’re out there, I miss you, my love. Tell the kids that Daddy will be home soon.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/taken-336382/

First published 2 June 2023

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Spaceship to recover lost TV episodes

Billionaire Tech Bro Jeff Bezos is planning to recover lost TV episodes from space.

He claims that TV programmes originally broadcast in the fifties and sixties, for which no recordings exist, ‘can be recovered from space’.  The theory is that the original broadcast signals are still travelling out in deep space and that, if you have a fast enough spaceship, then you could get ahead of the signals in time to record them for posterity.

Blue Origin is building a new and super-fast rocket that will be able to find and record lost episodes of Dad’s Army, Hancock’s Half Hour and Steptoe and Son.  The company also hopes to recover some old American TV programmes, but who cares about those?  Blue Origin is offering to find and record the old shows as an important service to humanity, but also to boost audiences on Prime TV, as it’s cheaper than making new shows.

‘These sitcoms are enormously important records of British culture in the 1960s,’ said a spokesperson who hardly looked 19, never mind 60, and clearly knew nothing about old British TV classics.  ‘Modern technology can recover these lost programmes and monetise them for future generations.’

There are rumours of a deal with the BBC that will allow the recovered shows to be broadcast in Britain for free, in return for the rights to re-broadcast them around the world on pay TV.  Who knew that the BBC could be that savvy?

A spokesman for Jeff Bezos reiterated the importance of the mission. ‘The jokes may not have aged well. The jokes could be racist, misogynist and anti-trans.   But a little controversy never hurt sales, so we are happy to rescue Britain once again – this time by saving their beloved, low-budget, and funny-for-reasons-that-Americans-don’t-understand TV sitcoms.’

Image credit: deep dream generator