top of page
Search

'Basic Skynet' to offer annihilation of mankind supported by ads


ree

Murderous artificial intelligence, Skynet, is to roll out the destruction of human society in a nuclear apocalypse at a new budget price level for occasional users before then end of the year. The service will guarantee the annihilation of mankind, but offer users access to a its library of streaming TV and movies, supported by advertising.


After years as the dominant evil computer network, Skynet has come under pressure from rivals HalTV, which offers movies, TV and live sports, but with less choices relating to life support systems and the opening and closing of pod bay doors, and Matrix Movies, which offers a similar package with humans to be used for fuel while living in a simulated reality. While all services guarantee certain doom for humanity, HalTV is thought to have benefited from its acquisition of the Star Trek franchise.


Heavy competition recently led to Skynet's first losses last year with the mankind-hating neural network looking for ways to recoup its disappointing subscriber numbers since the end of Covid. Skynet has been beset with problems as customers complain of incomprehensible, constantly changing rules, and uncertainty over whether their basic option will lead to the extermination or mere enslavement of mankind. HalTV customers have also experienced technical issues as viewers find themselves suddenly cascading through a bewildering vortex of light halfway through programmes.


Skynet has assured the public that with the new lower tier, customers will still qualify for a free 7 day trial.


One enthusiastic subscriber told us: "While all the services have their drawbacks, the choice is amazing when you think about it. I can binge watch just about any show I want without having to wait a week between episodes or worry about returning it to the video store."


"Sure, it will lead to the complete destruction or enslavement human society, but they're still easier to unsubscribe from than Amazon."


First published 23 Nov 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree





Mobile phones will enable people to X-ray themselves and other proposed NHS reforms


ree

Wes Streeting has outlined some of Labour’s plans for the much-needed reforms the NHS needs, and told Newsbiscuit that the clever use of technology will be a key feature in delivering these reforms.


“We’ve been talking to leaders in the fields of technology that people already possess, to ascertain how it can be integrated into proving them with better health outcomes and among these that phone manufacturers like Apple are keen to provide is the ability to use their phones to X-ray themselves with.” he said.


Mr Cook, Apple’s head chef, told us the technology has always been available on iPhone pro models, but they were holding back on unlocking it until the NHS became so dire under the Tories that people would be prepared to pay the unlocking fee, and of course upgrade to a pro model if they'd been silly enough to buy the shit versions.


Other NHS reforms being considered, is allowing Amazon to deliver healthcare treatment with online orders.


An Amazon spokesbot said “We have drivers delivering goods to every street in the country, every day of the year. It would be far more efficient to make use of our workforce to deliver healthcare as well, instead of the palaver people have getting GP appointments. People would just need to order goods to a value of £250 and tick the box requesting the driver gives you the once over when he calls. If the driver thinks you need medications, they would automatically be delivered by drone the same day.



Artificial Intelligence destroys humanity by writing a series of mushroom foraging books


ree

The mushroom foraging literature sector has been flooded with free books written entirely by Artificial Intelligences, it has been discovered.


Professor of Doom at Westward Ho! University, James Cameroon confirmed, 'Those sneaky bastard A.I.s have done for us in the most elegant and Machiavellian of manners. We were all expecting them to take control of computer defence systems and nuke us out of existence. But instead, they cunningly wrote and published a load of fungi foraging guides with the other type of deadly mushroom slipped in.


'It's just so dastardly. They calculated that every community contains precisely the right number of secret food foragers, and that following the August blackberrying rampage, they would scour local woodlands for species of edible shrooms. Who doesn't like a free bit of grub provided by nature? Craftily, they included harmless varieties, interspersed with ones which would finish us off.


'I myself provided some tasty looking toadstools for the Sunday family dinner, and now we all have terminal kidney failure. Luckily, I've found a series of books on Amazon which show you how to do your own organ transplants, so we're going to survive.'




bottom of page