America accuses Jupiter's big red spot of spying on it

World could run out of Americans by 2030 warns UN

Scientists at the UN have come to the worrying conclusion that Americans face extinction by Americans.

‘If Americans carry on like this, there’s not going to be enough of them to go round,’ said Secretary-General António Guterres.

We were already concerned that a drop in sperm count could drastically affect numbers. Evidence suggests this has been exacerbated by giving lunatics handguns, although it’s more likely to be down to the untimely demise of Ivana Trump.

'Across Europe, tourist industry chiefs have been reporting a dramatic drop in tourists asking stupid questions such as, ‘When will Sherlock Holmes be back? Why do they speak French in Paris,’ and ‘can a semi-automatic assault rifle hurt people?’

‘It’s a massive problem,’ said Mr Guterres. ‘Americans are basically shooting themselves in the foot, or anywhere else, come to think of it.’

phot: https://pixabay.com/users/ronile-126846/

Boss quibbles over maternity leave, but not your abortion

Pro-choicers in the United States have found an unusual ally, in corporations who normally think the Gender Pay Gap is a clothing chain. Said one cynical CEO: 'Yes, we'll be making a saving on maternity cover but... nope, that's it really. There's probably some ethical thingy as well, but it's really about those margins.

'We're 100% behind a woman's right to choose. As long as they choose long hours, no pensions and low pay.' Asked if they would be increasing their contributions to employee health insurance, the CEO coughed: 'Who are we to deny someone the right to death.'