Trump to Rename English American

The President of the Untied States, Donald Trump, has announced that English, the language of preference for almost all Americans, is henceforth to be known as the American language.

'We all speak it, so it must be American.  Anyway, I have always thought that the English speak our language in a rather funny, odd little way.

"Of course, this is only my opinion, but I happen to know that all intelligent people agree with me.'

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Iran war over as Strait of Hormuz renamed Strait of America

The conflict in Iran is over.  Iran has unconditionally surrendered after hearing about the United States declaration that the Strait of Hormuz is to be referred to, by the US Government but nobody else, as the Strait of America.  This cessation of hostilities is proof that all those who thought Donald Trump's renaming of stuff was just performative willy-waving without any substance were mistaken.

Acknowledging the power of Trump signing an unconstitutional executive order and then posting about it on his Truth Social app, an Iranian spokesman admitted that his country no longer had the means to control the flow of shipping through the waterway. He said, 'We have no choice but to stop all our military action in the face of such a devastating change to paperwork regarding the conflict being issued by the White House.'

Buoyed by this success after only six months of mistreating his servicemen and women, using up most of his military inventory and murdering schoolgirls, Trump is apparently considering whether Greenland should be referred to as the Green Land Of The Free.  Suggestions that Pete Hegseth was to be renamed Pete Competent Hegseth were however dismissed as ridiculous.

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World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns

By a strange coincidence, suggested cutbacks to NATO spending have prompted a shrill response from the military–industrial complex. US diplomats are so aghast at reduced defence budgets, that the collective tightening of their sphincter muscles was mistaken for a Lockheed YF-12 taking off from an anus.

In response, the US Ambassador immediately flew to Brussels with free copies of ‘Gun’n’Ammo Monthly’ and a 2-for-1 voucher on nuclear deterrents. A Pentagon spokesman confirmed: ‘In this era of terrorism, it’s important that we are armed with the most high-tech weapons. God knows, the terrorists are. Mainly because we sold it to them.’

With an annual defence spend of over $1 trillion, the US might easily be accused of having a vested interest in the pursuit of war. However, one diplomat explained: ‘Liking guns doesn’t mean you like war. If you like porn, do you like sex? Bad example. Well, what about restaurants and food? Still no good? Hey, I like sport, but I don’t like the NFL. Whadaya mean American football isn’t a sport?!?’

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First published 13 May 2022

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