The one thing that truly unites America is that the Trump-Vance duo have normalised makeup on men. The best way to make money from this is, as always, to sell overpriced branded merch made in China.
Here are some of the worst options from their new range:
Trump Concealer: Whether you want to conceal skin blemishes, freckles or massive financial fraud, always use the one Russian intelligence informs your preferred influencers to recommend.
Trump Foundation: When you want to override the basic foundations of democracy, look no further. Luckily, the Trump Foundation name is now available again as the original one was dissolved by court order in 2018 after various legal violations came to light.
Trump Bronzer: Always appear to come third in a moral argument of two people with this classic Trump bronze finish. No need to blend, have a big beautiful wall of pale white skin next to hi-vis orange around what some medical professionals describe as a face.
Trump Blusher: when you are incapable of experiencing shame or embarrassment, you have to apply your own blushing, preferably with some industrial sand blasting machinery from a vat.
Trump Gloss: For luscious lips and annoying facts, gloss over these and strut around like a shiny ball of lies.
Vance Eye Shadow: Do you also have dead, soulless eyes? Why not accentuate these so you can gaze at people with two dark voids that completely lack empathy! As with the current VP, this product is currently a complete sell out.
Make Makeup Grift Again
image from pixabay
White House staff unable to find the dealmaker in chief, and worried what he might get up to if left unsupervised, were initially relieved to hear he’d been spotted.
However, they were less pleased to hear he is now manifesting as a glowing orange eye on top of Trump Tower in New York, from which he can see both the Canadian and Mexican borders to check the tariffs are being applied.
Initial reports suggests that, although Trump can no longer take physical form (which the First Lady describes as “really no problem at all, honestly”) he has poured all his malice, his cruelty and his will to dominate into an unconvincing straw-coloured wig, which cannot be destroyed by any conventional means. An attempt to burn it only resulted in the appearance of glowing characters around the rim.
”It is the language of Mordor-a-Lago, which I will not utter here,” said a White House staffer. “But in the common tongue it says
One wig to rule them all
One wig to find them
Which we will, by the way, we have the best people, really terrific people, everybody says so…
before it runs out of room.”
The only hope of the free peoples of Middle America is that the wig be taken to Cape Canaveral, where it may be destroyed in the resulting fireball the next time Elon Musk tries to launch anything.
image from pixabay