A golden oldie in time for Armageddon

Supreme Court rules Trump can compete on Love Island

Donald Trump will be allowed to compete on the upcoming series of Love Island, after the US Supreme Court ruled that Trump is immune from justice as well as to STDs probably, given he's still alive after all the porn stars. 

In a hastily deleted social media post, Trump wrote 'Love Island, but not as much as I love the flag of Liberia or Australia or whatever I think the flag of America looks like.'

'One woman, she said to me... tears in her eyes... she said I have the body of a chiselled Greek God. Just imagine my mostly nude, rippling body - maybe some golden budgie smugglers - maybe not - running on the beach, bouncing in slow motion like the Baywatch credits. Really think about it.'

'Like me, there will be a few "fun" racists and misogynists on there. Women? I'll grab them by the... well, what I'll grab them by is already a matter of public record.' 

'I will miss my current wife E Jean Pelosi or Kamala Haley or whoever it is. I will also miss my children... that I know of... right guys? They know what I'm talking about. No, I'm joking. I won't miss my children at all. Except for my daughter Ivana, if you know what I mean.'  

'Once I have finished claiming Love Island for Russia - I mean America - or do I? - I look forward to defeating the failing Barack Clinton in November and going full Handmaid's Tale.'

image from pixabay

Trump’s 50 state crime strategy

Republican voters love 'law' and 'order' and therefore Donald Trump's polling goes up when he is charged with yet another crime that he is obviously guilty of. This makes Trump’s most likely path to the White House a crime spree encompassing all 50 states.

One Trump advisor said ‘Good wholesome American crime, like suppressing black voters, or shooting black teenagers in the back or hiring hookers and paying for their silence or being urinated on by those hookers and then paying for their silence. Or election fraud.’

Less electorally important states will get less exciting crimes, but no-one appears sure what Trump might do in big swing states like Pennsylvania or a huge state like California.

The advisor winked and said ‘I’m not saying it involves a live donkey, but I'm not not saying that either.’

'White House or the jail house, baby!'