"The royal family have stripped their wayward relative of his titles and exiled him to obscurity in the maddeningly flat fastness of Norfolk," announced a spokes-flunkey for Buckingham Palace.
"And having scuttled for cover by pretending he no longer exists, it is now their dearest wish to return to being a family of dull people with very boring thoughts and pursuits and nothing to say unless it has been written down for them to read out.
"From time to time, mavericks crop up in this venerable, vapid family - such as the Duke of Windsor, Princess Margaret, Diana, Meghan and Harry - who occasionally make for entertaining copy in the newspapers.
"However, the system always finds some way of driving these deviants into the wilderness - or the grave - so that the monarchy can resume its historic role of being Britain's leading set of bland, inoffensive sloths.
"God save the Sloth King, and God help Mr Andrew!"
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