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NASA to divert next asteroid towards Earth



Following Asteroid 2023 BU passing within 2,200 miles of the Earth, one NASA astrophysicist hopes to engage in a bit of interplanetary snooker to make sure we are not so lucky next time.


'It's for the best.' confirmed Professor Vivienne van Voort. 'Human beings simply cannot be trusted. If Jacob Rees-Mogg becomes the new Lorraine Kelly it would be better to destroy all evidence that this planet ever existed.'


Hard-line conservatives have labelled the plan to destroy the Earth and kill all life as 'woke' and criticised it for being pro-immigration, with one knuckle dragger grunting 'Asteroids, coming over here, taking our apocalypses.'




Incompetence to be inducted as fifth horseman of the apocalypse



After a wide ranging review by self-styled, organisational development ‘experts’, a fifth horseman of the apocalypse is to be appointed. This recognises that, in 2022, there is a very significant amount of extra work for the horsemen, and that this cannot be delivered to a high standard by the existing workforce.


A spokesman said that the contributions of war, famine, pestilence and death remains as valuable as ever and continues to be visible across the globe – in Syria, Lebanon, Ukraine and elsewhere. However, recent events in the political sphere have made it clear that incompetence has a valuable role in delivering the coming apocalypse. Pestilence has accepted that failing to deal with hospital waiting lists, for example, doesn’t fairly fall under his remit. The four existing horsemen are united in welcoming Incompetence to the team, and are looking forward to accelerating delivery of the coming apocalypse, in line with their five year strategy.


The spokesman said that events in the UK over the last five years had demonstrated the contribution of incompetence, citing Brexit, Covid (including failure to lockdown, PPE contracts and discharging infected patients to care homes) and the recently withdrawn UK-Ireland World Cup bid as particularly strong examples.


Headhunters are now working to recruit the new horseman and are pursuing a number of strong candidates currently working in the field of politics, but who are expected to become available very soon.


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