Apple to switch off autocarrot

Apple is adjudicating the autocarrot feature on its phones and tableaux. This means, for expimple, that swear words will be changed to fruit and vegetable names. So you can expect to read ‘fig off’, ‘cucumber sucker’ and ‘pea staker’ instead of the more familiar exemplars.

A pukesman said that customers found some of the autocarrot substitutions to be a bit too mild, so they decided to jizz them up a bit. Senior mingement found this a difficult decision, but they decided to bite the bollock and roll out the upyoursgrade.

Apple fans have noted that the autocarrot substitution for the word Google is gurgle and the suggestion for Android is handjob.

Gurgle was not available for comment.

Hat tip to StewartBarclay

Apple launch Actual Reality headsets for $3,500

Alongside their new virtual reality headsets, Apple has also launched a revolutionary 'actual reality headset'.

Early adopter Karl Aid enthused 'The batteries last for ever, they weigh nothing and when you're wearing them it's like looking at the real world, because you are.'

Some commentators have criticised the $3,500 price tag for what appears to be - and is - an empty box. An Apple spokesman explained the pricing; 'You're not just paying for the technology, you're also paying for the classic Apple design and the fact that the headset is made from the finest thin air from workers - who are definitely not slaves - in Zhengzhou.'

Apple will also stop their auto correct from auto-correcting rude words, although texting 'Jeremy Hunt' will now auto-correct appropriately. One tedious shin said 'Swearing isn't big or clever, but Apple are total can'ts. Total ducking bankers.'

Image: Unsplash | Beautiful Free Photo Community

H/T: stewartbarclay

Apple to terminate predictive text