Archaeologist unearths Republican spine

In a development that has shocked the scientific world, an American archaeologist has reported the discovery of a Republican spine underneath the Mall in Washington, DC. Excavation for the new 700-foot-tall Donald Trump Monument uncovered the bizarre relic. ‘This was completely unexpected,’ said Frieda Newman, lead archaeologist for the project and Professor of Political Nematodes at Stanford University. ‘We had no idea that Republicus americanus had ever been vertebrates.’

Speculation immediately turned to which Republican might have had a spine. Focus initially fell on former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, but investigation later revealed that the Terminator star is, in fact, still alive. ‘Someone on our team said maybe it came from [Senator] Mitch McConnell,’ Newman said. ‘We all had a good laugh.’

On a hastily arranged Zoom call, baffled experts eventually decided that the spine was probably that of Abraham Lincoln, America’s 16th president. A nationwide search is now underway to locate the rest of his remains. ‘If it’s Lincoln, it’s unclear why the rest of him isn’t here,’ said one of the experts, speaking on condition of anonymity. ‘We cannot rule out foul play.’

The experts also debated where the rare item should be displayed. Some suggested that it could be an exhibit in the forthcoming 110-story Trump Museum Tower, slated for construction on the former site of Arlington National Cemetery. Others suggested it could reside in the new Trump Wing of the Smithsonian’s Museum of Trump, American History, Trump, and Trump.

However, the object could prove to be highly controversial. ‘People are going to ask why we’re displaying a Republican spine but not a Democratic one,’ another expert observed. ‘And the answer – because we haven’t found one yet - will surely anger a lot of folks.’

Roman baths expert accused of being a hypocaust denier

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Altar stones were floated to Stonehenge, claims anti-vaxxer

With news that the Altar Stones, previously believed to have originated 'just across the border' in mid Wales have actually come from North East Scotland, many archaeologists are trying to work out how the stones, weighing several tonnes, were transported. Brendan, an ardent anti-vaxxer, believes he knows how they did it.

'For starters they didn't weight several tonnes back then,' he said today, 'the metric system is a false way of measuring stuff like large stones and didn't exist back then. The Neolithics didn't even have pounds and ounces and weren't taken in by 'weighist' propaganda,' he insisted.

'Also, although the route looks difficult, taking in the Grampian Hills and the Pennines it is worth noting there aren't any maps from that period showing the existence of these hills. It's clearly a conspiracy by the Ordnance Survey to make Britain, and by extension the planet, to not look flat,' he insisted.

'But honestly, why would anyone bother carrying the stones that distance when the obviously cyclical nature of sea levels suggests most of what we call the UK was underwater back then - show me a map that contradicts that fact - and the good stone movers merely floated the stones to Wiltshire, dammed the local rivers to raise the water level on the Stonehenge site and floated the stones to the top of the vertical supports. Show me one piece of evidence that contradicts this I say,' he added.

Brendan, who doesn't belief Covid is a thing, that JFK was killed by a lone gunman or that man has set foot on the moon also doesn't believe in Liz Truss. 'No way she was Prime Minister, what kind of fool do you take me for?' he asked.

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