"It had been nearly a year that the Church of England was without an Archbishop of Canterbury and I thought that if the position were to be left vacant for a single more day, our dear nation would crumble into the sea," said 525-year-old Moira Bonkers of Fading Light nursing home in Broadstairs, shedding tears of pure joy onto her hymnal.
"But now God has wrought His wonders and we have a new incumbent on the Throne of St Augustine to lead all our souls to heaven," continued Bonkers, as church bells pealed inside her head.
"And I do so respect the Right Reverend Thomas Cranmer as a great moral and spiritual leader for our age," she added.
On being told the new Archbishop is not Cranmer but a former NHS bureaucrat who constantly wears a plastic laminated ID tag around her neck saying that her name is Mullally or something, Bonkers said: "Yeah, right. Like that's who God wanted - Sarah from Personnel."
