Government plan to house asylum seekers in Travelodge hotels sees migrant numbers plummet

Asylum seekers across the UK are heading for Dover in a desperate bid to return home after the government started putting them up in Travelodge hotels.

Following all the recent bad press about the standard of service in the hotel chain, the Home secretary immediately went online and booked 6,000 rooms across the country to house the latest wave of migrants.

Abdul from Syria was forced into a Travelodge near Stevenage. 'It's an outrage,' he opined 'I awoke to find a half naked man in my room after reception staff gave him a copy of the key. My children have been traumatised by the hideous colours in the soft furnishings.'

Afghan refugee Mohammed who had been transferred to a Travelodge near Braintree said 'the facilities were not fit for animals let alone people. And I'm sure someone had pissed in my kettle.'

Local traders on the south coast are reported to be struggling to meet the demand for small boats, rubber rings, inflatable swans and cheap Chinese made snorkel and mask kits that the fleeing migrants are snapping up.

In a bid to help, President Macron of France has offered to sell their vast, newly redundant over stock of small rubber boats to the UK government for £640 million.

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Bibby Stockholm : the welcoming speech in full

'I would like to extend the hand of friendship to our 500 new neighbours in their temporary home moored such a short distance from the mainland they have struggled so hard to reach. I would also wish that all 427 of them will be comfortable with their on-board accommodation and dockside facilities.'

'It is my belief that these 350 odd new Portlandians will be inspired by our world-class sailing set-up and water-sports activities, and that many of the 287 would-be citizens will be impressed with the public and private transport links that provide access to local - and not so local - commercial and historic sites which this area of the country has in abundance.'

'I am sure that the 197 residents of the Bibby Stockholm will find their stay liberating, fruitful and satisfying, and that many of the 80 or so 'guests' will make a significant impact on our little island community before moving on to greater things.'

'In conclusion, may we open our hearts to these couple of dozen souls whose journey to this country has been perilous indeed, and wish that this bare handful of brave individuals will ultimately achieve their goals.'

'As a last gesture, I would like to present a plaque marking the occasion to our new friend Tariq - oh, he's gone'

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First published 26 Jul 2023

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BBC 'Gay Refugee' probe sparks political arms race as parties unveil rival orientation audits

WESTMINSTER — Britain's political class has descended into a full-blown 'orientation emergency' after a BBC report revealed record numbers of asylum seekers allegedly posing as gay to secure residency. The story, instantly dubbed 'clickbait crack cocaine' by commentators, has sent every party scrambling to outdo the others with ever more deranged solutions.

Labour: The Double-Pivot

Labour initially promised a 'Mandatory Gay Test' by Monday morning. After internal consultation they added a 'Baseline Straight Test' for fairness, before settling on a 'National Conversation About Whether Testing Is Even Appropriate.' The policy has now been paused pending a full environmental impact assessment of the rainbow ink required for the forms.

The Conservatives: The 'Camaraderie' Clause

The Conservatives defended their 'Traditional Values Audit,' insisting the tests would be 'physically rigorous' but would include a 'Boarding School Exemption.'

'One must distinguish between orientation and heritage,' a spokesperson explained from a wood-panelled library. 'A bit of high-spirited fun with one's roommates at Eton or Harrow does not a sailor make. It is simply a form of 'Advanced Camaraderie' entirely compatible with a heterosexual voting record. We are looking for irregular migrants, not recreational alumni.

The Liberal Democrats: The Orange Fleece Approach

The Liberal Democrats dismissed the audits as redundant. A spokesperson in a bright orange fleece and clutching a reusable coffee cup declared that formal testing was a waste of taxpayers' money because 'everyone is a bit gay really, aren't they?' They are instead proposing a National Hug Registry and a mandatory 10% discount on quiche for anyone willing to sign a 'Vibe Agreement.'

Reform UK: The 'Gayland' Protocol

Reform UK took the most radical stance, announcing an immediate 'repatriation' system for anyone failing their audit.

'We plan to send them all back to Gayland,' said a candidate standing in front of a Union Jack. When asked to locate Gayland on an official map, he pointed first at Brighton, then at a small island in the South Pacific, before declaring the map itself 'woke' and biased toward the Mercator projection.

The Green Party: Net-Zero Orientation

The Green Party demanded that any testing be 'environmentally sustainable.' They will only accept 'solar-powered gay people' and are calling for a mandatory 'Transition to Wind' for anyone whose identity requires high-intensity carbon emissions or non-renewable lifestyles.

The international community has watched the developments with increasing bewilderment. Asked for comment, US Vice President JD Vance offered a succinct geopolitical assessment before exiting the stage: 'The United Kingdom has officially become the first entirely gay country with nuclear weapons.'

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