In their latest attempt to appear tough on immigration, the government has announced that all detained asylum seekers above the age of twelve will be fed on a diet consisting entirely of the stringy strips of banana skin that people fastidiously peel off from the fruit before discarding.
These fibrous strips, or, 'fluffy runners' to give them their biological name, contain small amounts of starch and potassium and very little else.
A Home Office spokesperson told NewsBiscuit: 'During the Second World War we Brits didn't have any bananas at all, much less nutritious fluffy runners.
'A choice of preparations will be available, including fried runners, boiled runners and runners en croute with a light acorn gruel crust.'
Asylum-seekers under twelve years of age will be given runners that have been dried and then ground into a fine powder mixed with lukewarm tap water to provide a wholesome porridge, but woe betide any who ask for more'.
Human rights groups have hit out at the move, calling it 'inhumane' and 'shameful'.
Amnesty went even further:'Forcing these unfortunate people to exist on a diet of fluffy runners is barbaric in our view and must be prevented at all costs'
However, addressing recent rumours that all failed asylum claimants will be deported on Ryanair flights, the government moved quickly to deny the speculation, with a Department of Immigration spokesperson telling reporters: 'We're a civilised nation. We are not animals'.
A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.
'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'
New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.
Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'
Image credit: perchance.org