top of page
ree

A family outing isn't cheap these days and keeping the kids amused during the school holidays is difficult. But there are things that you can do that won't break the bank.


Our top recommendation is to join a protest. There are plenty of disgruntled people out there so there are plenty of protests to choose from. You can usually join in for free, although you will need a budget for making placards. Take packed lunches to keep costs down.


Chanting outside hotels is pretty dull, but you could consider turning up with placards complaining about cold breakfasts, inadequate cleaning and uncomfortable beds. That should confuse the tattooed masses who are complaining about asylum seekers.


It's traditional on bank holidays to complain about traffic. Why not join a drivers' go slow on the M5, M1 or M4? To be fair, this won't be a top choice for your kids.


Why not start a protest outside a festival about the price of tickets? Maybe a famous band will take pity on you and pay for you to go in? If you can't get in, you will probably still hear most of the headline acts anyway. Let your kids choose the festival so that they can hear their favourite bands.


Student protests are a bust during summer as university campuses are empty. Save your ideas about protesting free speech or wokery or poor student support until the new term.


If you're in the country you should be able to join a protests about inheritance tax or electricity pylons or solar farms. It's always fun to watch farmers spraying council buildings with slurry, but remember to stand back. Maybe stay away from protests about too many Airbnb properties destroying rural life. Hunt saboteurs aren't so lively these days, but you might be able to join in with badger protection or burning down second homes.


Finally, we suggest avoiding anti-capitalist and extinction rebellion protests. And steer clear of Palestiny stuff too. No-one wants to wake up in a cell on Bank Holiday Tuesday.



ree

'In short, residents of Epping are unsafe,' said legal representative, Hope Porter. 'They are unsafe in that they are a danger to others, each other, and the forest. 


'Locals are responsible for the vast majority of crimes committed here. Visitors to the area and asylum seekers staying nearby must be protected from them. The tense situation cannot continue and residents must be removed for the sake of, well, Epping really.


'There have been threats, violence, and threats of violence. And that's just the media attempting to whip up riots. So the situation cannot in any way be described as a peaceful protest. My greatest fear is that they'll start bussing in professional rioters from Harlow.


'And it goes much further. Epping Council is so unsafe, it should probably be deported, My daughters are going to get raped by forrins,' screamed Gavin Clack, 56, a childless local resident. 'I'm 'ere to protect 'em, 'cause they're gonna be beautiful and very sexy. We're all here to protect Gav's sexy daughters too,' confirmed Clack's former cellmates.





ree

Selsey lilo enthusiast Dave Hexham has been deported to Rwanda as part of the Government crackdown on small boat asylum seekers.


Mr. Hexham, out for his usual Saturday morning paddle, was approached by members of the Border Protection Force as he tried to land. When quizzed, he was unable to produce any identity documents and was promptly detained for processing under the new legislation.


His wife commented 'Bloody idiot! I always said that his stupid lilo obsession would get him in trouble. Now I suppose I shall have to drive up to Rowehander to pick him up from the Detention Centre - isn't that near Swindon?'


When informed that he was actually in Rwanda, Mrs. Hexham vocalised a small 'whoop' and fist-bumped the air. 'Pillock! Serves him right'


When asked about the incident, a spokesman for the Border Protection Force said 'Alas, the so-called Mr. Hexham, without any means of identification, falls directly into the category of undesirables this legislation was designed to catch, and we had no choice but to act. The fact that he repeatedly called us "jumped-up bellends", "pocket-Hitlers", and "fascist jobsworths" has in no way prejudiced his treatment'


'Now, if you can excuse me, I am off to "console" a Mrs. Hexham whose husband has apparently "gone missing" '



First published 6 Mar 2023



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree




bottom of page