Keir Starmer Wins BAFTA for Best Actor in U-Turn: The Movie

Hollywood was left stunned last night as world-leading thespian-activist and part-time grey suit mannequin Keir Starmer swept up a BAFTA for Best Actor in 'U-Turn: The Movie', a political thriller praised for its special effects and total disregard for plot consistency.

Gliding down the red carpet with the confidence of a man who has never met a position he couldn’t reconsider, Starmer reportedly asked whether Wunmi Mosaku was 'one of the smaller Chagos Islands,' before advisers gently turned him 180 degrees and pointed him toward the photographers instead.

The film opens with a blizzard of pledges before pivoting into a graceful montage of reversals on winter fuel, WASPI women, grooming gangs and digital IDs –proving once and for all that the only red line is the one being quietly rubbed out.

Critics have called it 'the first political drama filmed entirely in post-production.'

His line, 'These are tough decisions,' already rivals cinema’s greats for emotional ambiguity.

Accepting the award, Starmer thanked 'everyone who believed in change,' before clarifying that by 'change' he meant small coins.

Image: mark1657 - Pixabay

Shock as sitcom star announces intention to star in a sitcom

In a surprise move one high profile sitcom star is set to break ranks with their contemporaries by actually starring in a new sitcom.

The move has taken media by surprise, as in recent years successful sitcom performers have only been making travelogues. Quite often with a parent in tow, where they schlep around the countryside, or indeed in some cases the world, voicing over sumptuous shots of stunning scenery, sampling exotic culture and food and simply having one massive freebie they are then able to pass off as a TV show.

One such star who wished to remain anonymous commenting on the news said, 'I suppose I understand what's happening. It's their conscience. Guilt at betraying their artistic integrity and all that highfalutin cobblers. But, look. I had the pressure of writing my show, learning lines and then the sheer hard graft of getting it in the can. Out on shoots at all hours in the bloody freezing cold weather.

'Well now that I've made a name for myself my fans can sod that for a game of soldiers. I'm off to Australia with my Mum and an ITV cameraman next month for what's essentially a six-week all-expenses-paid 5-star holiday. And I'll probably win a BAFTA for my trouble. A fat lot more than I ever got for making people laugh.'

image from pixabay

New BAFTA award - Best Dramatisation of Prince Andrew Interview

It was announced today that so many dramatisations of the Prince Andrew interview have now been made, they're getting their own category at the BAFTAs.

The announcement was followed up by the surprise news that the broadcast of the interview itself will also be eligible for the award.

'Which is a bit weird,' said Gillian Anderson, who played interviewer Emily Maitlis in one of the dramatisations. 'I mean, I thought I was pretty good as Maitlis, but I’m obviously not as much like her as she is herself.' She was reassured by BAFTA judges that her performance wouldn’t be judged as an impression, but in her ability to 'bring out the essential Maitlisness of Maitlis', to which she replied that she thought Maitlis herself would still have the edge.

However, a further controversy has engulfed the award, as it was alleged that Prince Andrew has been wining and dining the judges in the hope of influencing the vote.

The Prince responded to the controversy by giving a TV interview in which he said he had no memory of flying the judges to the Côte d’Azur for the weekend, presenting them with expensive watches or offering to secure them honours in return for their votes, despite photographic evidence that he did all those things. After the interview, he told an aide 'If anyone asks, I spent that weekend at Pizza Express in Woking.'

Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay