New Newsnight format is just 2 people yelling

Financial

mean that the BBC's Newsnight is stopping all investigative journalism in favour of two talking heads shouting 'let me be clear' and 'if you'll just let me finish' over each other, on a loop.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Most print media is already pretty pro Tory, but the pinko BBC doesn't yet do our bidding with sufficient obsequiousness. However, if we gut their budget, they can't investigate all of our massive scams - including that one. At least 50% of Tory MPs and Peers should probably be in jail. That percentage doubles for past and present cabinet ministers.'

Newsnight will now finish by broadcasting the Hallelujah chorus over an image of the Tory party logo, followed by the Benny Hill theme over a boot stamping on a human face, forever.

image from pixabay

Heart-rending Gaza hospital footage actually filmed in Basingstoke

The BBC was left with egg on its face today as it emerged that, due to a mislabelling error, footage purportedly showing the chaos in a recently bombed hospital in Gaza was actually filmed in Basingstoke Hospital’s A&E department last winter.

“It looked just like a war zone,” protested the embarrassed reporter. “It was so overcrowded, people were lying on the ground waiting for a space on a trolley to open up. And everyone was covered in dust as if a bomb had gone off, though that turned out to be from RAAC concrete being removed in the next room.

”Though I suppose the number of people walking around with clipboards without interacting with patients or doing anything useful should have been a clue it was the NHS.”

Israel immediately issued a statement saying it had not bombed the Hampshire hospital, though it wasn’t ruling out anything that might pressure the BBC to make its coverage more favourable.

Image: hosnysalah - Pixabay

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Rishi Sunak announces HS3 with direct link to Rwanda

After cancelling the northern leg of the HS2 project, Rishi Sunak has just announced plans for an entirely new rail network that features a direct line to Rwanda. The plans released outline how the money saved on HS2 can fund this cross-continental, six thousand mile long railway. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister provided further information to the press:

‘We know there has been upset over the decision to not extend our previous rail project to the far north of England, but we hope this super-fast link to the close reaches of Central Africa will more than make up for it. We’re absolutely delighted with this announcement as we’ve seen demand for a viable transport option to Rwanda increase astronomically in the last few months. We can’t wait for people to be able to hop on a quick train there from London Waterloo, whether as a legal requirement or just for a nice holiday.’

Rail analysts quickly brought to light a glaring omission in the plans released earlier in the week - the infrastructure for a return journey back to the UK. Clive, a trainspotter from Dudley, was one of the first to spot this, and spoke about the revelation on a recent chat-show appearance:

‘I was staring at the plans on my iPad and thought to myself, sounds like a nice trip - but how on earth would me and the Mrs - should I ever meet a woman - get back? I couldn’t possibly think why they would want people to go to Rwanda and not return to the UK. It’s a massive oversight that makes me think HS3 might be the worst of the trilogy so far.’

10 Downing Street confirmed that the completion of HS3 is planned to be in conjunction with the 2050 Winter Olympics hosted by Rwanda.

Hat tip: Sinnick

Image: Martin_Winkler_Fotografie - Pixabay

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