BBC announces plans to bring back iconic Test Card

The BBC has announced plans to bring back a revamped version of the iconic Test Card, first shown on our screens back in 1967.

The new test card will feature a group of middle aged men behaving like overgrown schoolboys and will involve lots of joshing, ribbing and tedious attempts at humour.

The revamped test card is to be called TopTest Card and will start with the men playing noughts and crosses on a chalk blackboard before indulging in a series of motoring-themed high jinx aimed at pleasing the nations burgeoning man child audience.

The new line up is yet to be announced by the show’s producers who hope that by keeping their identity secret not everyone will have moved on and found better things to do with what brief time they have here on earth.

image by Grok

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Frida and Agnetha avatars go rogue at ABBA Voyage in latest worrying AI malfunction

In the latest episode of AI going rogue, during last night's performance of ABBA Voyage at the London Arena avatars of Frida and Agnetha suddenly jumped off the stage, but not before delivering a salvo of invective and lewd behaviour to the audience.

One shocked couple, superfans Amanda and Bob, who had traveled from Chorley as a special wedding anniversary present to one another spoke to the BBC.

'We were just settling into the show when there was a flash of light and billowing smoke. Next thing Frida's hologram started yelling at us all. It was awful. Not what you'd expect at all. "Eff this, eff that, eff the sodding lot of you," said a clearly still shaken Amanda. 'That's right, it was terrible and then Agnetha mooned the front row, before the pair of them jumped off the stage, ran up the aisle and out of the arena. The show was then cancelled. We were gutted,' added a forlorn Bob.

Police are keeping an open mind on the matter but haven't ruled out the possibility of Russian hackers being behind the incident and Andy Burnham will be kept abreast of any further developments.

Meanwhile, reports that the girls have now been joined by Benny and Bjorn's holograms in a nearby Indian restaurant remain yet unconfirmed. But one credible source close to the production has suggested before agreeing to appear in tonight's scheduled performance all four are demanding free Chicken Tikka in the rider for the rest of the run.  

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El Beaño to cause havoc in UK

The UK is facing an unprecedented weather event involving catapults, stink bombs and banana skins.

Climatologists made the announcement after a group of boys who call themselves the Bash Street Kids were discovered floating on driftwood in the Pacific Ocean, together with a selection of catapults, two boxes of stink bombs and a wild dog who answers to the name ‘Gnasher’

The discovery, by scientists working on climate change scenarios, confirms what some have long suspected: the UK is facing an aggressive El Beaño that will threaten coastlines and infrastructure and even reach central London.

The BBC’s Climate Change Editor, Justin Rowlatt, said: “The El Beaño developing over the Pacific Ocean is likely to be the strongest for more than a century and make 2027 another record-breaking year for heat. Teachers already report an increase in misbehaviour among pupils as young bodies try to cope with the wild variations in weather.”

Out on the driftwood the group’s unofficial leader Dennis the Menace, dressed in a red-and-black striped jumper, gives an interview with a passing Disney cruise ship. Snow White and the children wave. “Got any sweets Miss?” Dennis cries. “Coo it’s hot. Some lollies would be totally blam. And a bone for Gnasher if you’ve got one.”

But the interview is cut short by Gnasher’s barking. A dark line on the horizon has made the dog’s hair stand on end. “Yikes! It’s a tsunami!” Dennis screams. “We did it in Geography. Oh no! The children!!”

“I’m on it!” yells a boy on the wreckage. He has a quiff that swishes as he speeds away. It’s Billy Whizz! With Bolt-like speed, Billy charges to the horizon and uses his quiff – don’t ask how – to direct the wave away from the ship.

And that, children, is why you must always brush your hair before you have breakfast.

image by Grok

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