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Non-fans of the much loved UK TV show, Gavin and Stacey, have been unanimous in their praise for the series much-hyped Christmas special, with one going so far as to say that it was the best programme she had ever not watched. The show, which first aired on BBC 2, I think, and definitely starred Rob Brydon, James Corden, and now things start to get a little sketchy for people like me who never ever watched it but wasn’t there a woman comedian actor, too?, won plaudits for being funny and touching, which I and people like me who’ve never seen it agree must be true because everybody always says so.



A bike mechanic who doesn’t actually watch TV at all chimed in to say that “I don’t even read newspapers online but somehow I’ve heard this final episode of Gavin and Stacey was good. So it was brilliant.’ He said he would genuinely miss the thing that he had never consumed. ‘I haven’t even seen a single scene of film, just still photos of, I think, a taxi driver? I really hope they bring it back for another series. I won’t watch again.’



Gavin and Stacey, people who have never watched it presume, must be named after its two main characters, who, being male and female and having ordinary names, are surely in some kind of sweet relatable domestic scenario that could only ever be concluded dramatically with the perfect ending. A flurry of articles the day after transmission confirmed what people who hadn’t watched the episode but were hanging on for news of its perfectness would have presumed: something about ‘finding love.’



Gavin and Stacey is not the first programme beloved by the whole nation despite most never having seen it. But it is, I think, Welsh, and the Welsh have traditionally been granted one popular television programme per decade since the introduction of four channels in 1982. Torchwood, another no one has seen, Doctor Who, who everyone stopped watching, and some legal drama that got 5 stars from everyone who wasn’t asked.



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The BBC has announced that they fully expect up to four people will watch the King's Speech this year, two up on last Christmas.  'It's a fine use of taxpayers' money,' claimed a spokesperson.  The money spent on recording and broadcasting the speech is thought to be less than a sausage finger's worth of a Royal statue, the cost of which has increased dramatically in recent years.


'We will repeat it several times and will naturally fill the news bulletins with the highlights, for the sixty million or so people too disinterested or, frankly, pissed to watch' said the spokesman.


The King's Speech will be broadcast on BBC1, ITV and, for smug bastards with money to waste, on Sky at 3pm if anyone wants a reason to pop down the shed, open another bottle of brown ale or extricate themselves away from building a Millennium Falcon in Lego in front of the telly, especially when they realise seven critical pieces were lost to the Hoover at the ten am emergency vacuum of the living room.


For balance, the BBC has pointed out there is other shit on the other channels.  Or you could just resume the family argument.




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06:00 – Pages from Ceefax

An historical collection of low-res articles and holiday offers from before everything went to shite. Press [green] to reveal why your chronic nostalgia is out of control and you need professional help.


07:30 – The Noman

Update of the Raymond Briggs classic brought up-to-date by taking into account the growing effects of global warming. A young boy awakes on Christmas Day to find the contents of the local river in his back garden.


08:00 – BBC Breakfast

Round up of festive news stories plus a cringey interview where Charlie Stayt asks genuine yet naïve questions about a mainstream event or pastime he has never heard of.


09:00 – Greg Wallace kneads some big fat Xmas puddings

Don’t get yer Snickers in a mist dear, the program title is only a joke! Honestly, you can’t say anything these days can you? It’s because I was poor, isn’t it? Oh won’t you look at my p3nis?


11:00 – Annual Shrieking Contest from St Paul’s

Join the latest Aled Jones wanna-a-bes as they trade their souls for five minutes in the limelight in return for a severe beating and sustained bullying programme when they return to school.


12:00 – Only Fools and Horses: The Next Generation

A naively commissioned and classic-ruining rehash that follows Del, Rodders and Albert seeking to reclaim the fortune that they lost after recovering it in the last rehash about them losing the original fortune, with help from Dr Who.


13:30 – The Thrashing of Prince Andrew

No King’s speech this year but be sure to tune in as the disgraced Prince gets a 15 minute head start before His Majesty the King pursues him through the Sandringham estate with hounds and a selection of whipping equipment. Sponsored by Huwawei.


14:30 – The Hobbit 5

A mysterious witch sends Dungo Baggins on a quest for a magic necklace, hidden in a giant’s volcano. Second part of a £10 Million adaptation of the binned notes for the unwritten appendices of Tolkien’s brother’s first draft of an unpublished novella.


17:30 – In the dock of the Pops

Nostalgic look back at some of the greatest festive hits with all suspected or proven abusers digitally removed and replaced with a CGI avatar of MR Blobby.


18:30 – Blackadder’s Christmas Goose-Chase

David Baddiel talks us through the ‘funniest bits’ of last year’s show when Frank Skinner was discussing his ‘most hilarious moments’ from the previous year’s show which featured Ben Elton talking about his favourite bits in Black Adder. Sadly contains no actual Blackadder material, though mercifully the three of them are punched in the face by Rowan Aktinson at the end.


19:30 – Very Strictly Come Dancing

Endurance show where dance contestants see if they can publicly hold their shit together after months of gruelling and belittling punishment at the BBCs dance / prison camp. A phone vote this year will determine who gets six months in solitary.


19:59 – Everybody hates James Corden

Not a program, just a reminder.


20:00 – The Chronicles of Narnia

This cherished BBC classic hasn’t aged as well as you might think. Worse than a Sixth Form play where the performers are drunk but you are not. Special effects provided by pressing on your eyelids too hard for a few minutes.


21:00 – Wallace & Gromit’s Unwanted Christmas Clips

One hour of stitched-together footage that was omitted from the various films because it was crap. Narrated by Sean Pertwee.


22:00 – News at 10

The latest bombings, murder and weather.


22:30 – Jurassic Park IX: Tyrannosaurus-Ex

Do not attempt to watch this without consuming at least three bottles of Baileys and the fairy lights.


00:00 – Shutdown and testcard

Congratulations, you made it through another year and another TV lobotomy. We hope you’re pleased with yourself.





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