BBC executives have put out a call for “more celebrity affairs, preferably involving age disparities” in a desperate bid to avoid having to report on the Covid Inquiry.
‘We’re a serious news agency’, a spokesman sniggered, ‘and we have a duty to report impartially on whether Celebrity A inserted his man sausage into Celebrity B. That’s precisely what Lord Reith meant when he said . . . . whatever. I was off that day’.
A south-East London family were part of a series of slick, if convoluted, plots for over 20 years to defraud the Exchequer, it has emerged. 'To the outside world, Trotters Independent Trading carefully cultivated an image of a regular working-class family', noted investigative journalist Lilian De Rennes today. 'Just trying their best to get on and combining obviously doomed money-making schemes with a strong sense of comedy and pathos.' ‘However, our pain-staking investigation, involving the viewing of over 100 hours of video footage, has revealed tax avoidance - and slapstick humour - taking place on an industrial scale, all co-ordinated from a small tower block flat in Peckham and the local Nags Head pub’, continued De Rennes. ‘Their 'no income tax, no VAT' mantra funded increasingly outlandish spending, including self-inflating blow up dolls and spontaneously exploding Albanian radios’, noted De Rennes. ‘The pair were also assisted in their escapades by two elderly brothers whose expertise in all things offshore allowed them to minimise their tax liabilities whilst also providing an impressive range of running gags about their misfortunes whilst in the Navy.’ 'The public are rightly asking how the Trotters were able to continue their deception for so long?’. Said De Rennes. ‘But I’d turn the question back on the public. At the height of their popularity – the Christmas special in 1988 – it seems that 24.2 million people appear to have been in the know about their avoidance activities,' 'The younger brother Rodney even appears to have had an alias, being called 'Dave' on hundreds of occasions, to the mirth of many.’ Investigations are now focusing on some of the bizarre techniques used by the family to reduce tax payments for themselves and others. These include an elaborate shell company specialising in destroying expensive home furnishings, such as chandeliers, and bogus personal injury claims for accidents including falling through a bar. No-one from the family was available for comment today, although a number of sightings of the couple, dressed in Batman and Robin costumes, have been reported on UK Gold.
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Dave (not his real name) is a Conservative MP. He told NewsBiscuit about the terrors of being sent “over the top” onto Question Time: ‘It’s horrific. You’ve got ten, maybe twelve backbenchers who owe favours or we’re in the shit for something – usually sexual. It’s like the First World War trenches, only with bigger rats.
‘The whips are right bastards. There’s one, I can’t think of him without shuddering, he just walks down the line making eye contact until you lower your eyes. Then you feel a hand on your shoulder and it’s your turn’.
Jenny (not her real name) is a junior minister: ‘They make you face the public. The actual public. Even from twenty, thirty feet away they smell. Not as bad as the rivers, obvs, but it’s still horrid. Who’d have thought people would be so upset about a bit of shit being pumped into their rivers 850 times a day?’
As soon as Question Time ends the Conservative cannon fodder is whisked away to a treatment centre. An undercover journalist working for NewsBiscuit infiltrated the centre posing as a care worker. What she saw was heartbreaking. ‘There was this old chap, must have been respectable once, just rocking back and forth, rubbing his knees and crying silently. Tears streaming down his face but no sound emerging. It was chilling.
‘Those are referred to as ‘the wets’. Don’t know why. There’s a separate wing – Darwin - where the others hang out. That’s party central – booze, drugs, music. The ones who can hack it, who actually enjoy the abuse – they’re the future of the Party. They’re assessed by psychiatrists and if they score high in the psychopath tests they’re promoted at the next reshuffle. God knows what the party will be like after a few more rounds of Darwinism’.
Charles Darwin was unavailable for comment. He’s dead, apparently. Wet.
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