BBC edit out PM being booed so that Nadine Dorries doesn't seem so f*cking useless

In a move tantamount! to deep faking it, the BBC (now pronounced Vuh Vuh Suh) will be removing all of the boos, jeers and shouts of 'wanker' everywhere Boris Johnson turns up.

Tim Davie, Dictator General of the VVS and Other Propaganda clarified, 'Everyone knows 'King Boris' is universally loved and admired. All newsroom reporters, researchers and production staff have been fired and rehired as Photoshop monkeys. They will doctor all photographic images and video footage of Boris to ensure he has smart hair, glistening muscles and a basic command of his faculties.

'Most importantly, we can't allow the proletariat to remain uncertain as to the veracity of commandments made by Her Royal Shyness Nadine Dorries. In future, all things will be re-cut and broadcast to reflect the unimpeachable truth of the Dorries Accuracy Machine.

'To that end, Eminem will be remastered over the top of her hiphop-rap-casts, and Channel 4 will become a wholly owned subsidiary of a 96% privatised BBC 4 which 53% of people believe is a chatty bidet called Lola.'

Photo by Rich Smith on Unsplash

Jack Monroe to get BBC cooking series

Jack Monroe, the heroic food poverty campaigner has beaten celebrity chefs in winning the contract to replace the popular series Can't Cook, Won't Cook after the other hopefuls pulled out once they were told the meal budget would be limited to 30p.

The new show, entitled “Illegitimi non carborundum”, will show viewers with limited budgets how to dine as well as the inmates of Wandsworth prison are able to. Jack will in fact, be accompanied by ex-Wandsworth prison inmate, 'Double Barrel' Bruno who will not only act as a judge of the quality of the meals, but demonstrate useful tips on how the budget can be extended by beating the shit out of Eton students until they hand over their dinner money.

Politicians have been invited to appear on the programme, but so far only Labour, the Lib Dems and SNP have responded to the invitations. Ian Blackford is seen to be particularly keen to complement 'Double Barrel' Bruno’s advice with oratory to accompany why the extortion of pocket money from Eton students, is a kindness they won’t regret.

BBC logo on a building during daytime photo – Free Northern ireland Image on Unsplash

Lord Lebedev identified as third man in flowerpot ring

The Cambridge spy ring, the flowerpot men, has long been considered to have had a third unknown spymaster who had pulled their otherwise obvious strings.

As spy detectives from MI5 have said, 'we knew the flowerpot men were undercover Russian spies all along, with their plummy accents speaking secret code on primetime BBC pretending to be two characters with an affinity for pot and talking rubbish. Obviously this indicated they were aiming at infiltrating the Conservative Party, probably aiming to get the top job. We used GCHQ to analyse their August 20th 1965 broadcast and the supercomputers came up with the following string of words that are clearly codes for the Russians: "flob a dob, flob a dov, lord lebedev, flob a dob, weeeeeeeeeeeeeed". At the time it didn't make sense, but once the Prime Minister fast tracked Lebedev into the House of Lords it became pretty clear. We've got a right dickhead in charge. And Lebedev's the third flowerpot man.'

Image: jag2020 | Pixabay