Civil service 'seriously considered' telling Queen that bears defecate in woods

Senior civil servants 'seriously considered' telling the Queen that bears sh*t in the woods and that the Pope is a Catholic, according to the BBC's Laura Kuennsberg.

Furthermore, says Kuennsberg, they seriously considered telling her that Boris Johnson was behaving in office like a gallivanting elephant out of its head on amphetimines.

'There would have been no other way for Her Majesty to have known how disgracefully irresponsible and chaotic her prime minister was,' continued Kuennsberg.

'Apart from by opening a newspaper, watching the telly, listening to the radio or speaking to any other human being in Britain during the time that Boris was in Downing Street.

'Or by meeting him, I suppose,' added Kuennsberg.

'Two minutes in Johnson's company would have told her everything about this reckless, blundering oaf that she'd ever have needed to know.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 19 Sep 2023

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Man U to Replace Players with Dancing Bears

In keeping with the circus-tent appearance of their proposed new stadium, Manchester United have announced that from 2030 they will field a side comprised entirely of dancing bears - in a roar, roar, two formation.

The announcement comes in the wake of part-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe's scathing denunciation of several current United players. 'Under the infallible leadership of Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Manchester United continue to lean into the coalface of innovative disruption, constantly striving to leverage the thoughtways of stakeholder value enhancement under ever changing contextual architectures,' said a club statement. Calls seeking clarification were not returned.

Gemma, a spokesbear for the Union of Performing Animals, approved of the new initiative. 'We look forward to demonstrating our prowess on the pitch,' she said. 'Humans are small and slow,' Gemma added, 'so we'll eat them for breakfast.' Following the interview a publicist contacted several news outlets, requesting that they not run Gemma's 'arguably ill-advised breakfast reference.'

'Bears are exceedingly large and dangerous animals,' noted Alfred Newman, Professor of Exceedingly Large and Dangerous Animals at the University of Leeds. 'One can easily imagine a scenario where Aston Villa, say, have their entire side eaten within the first five minutes of play,' Newman speculated. 'Villa supporters might then reasonably conclude that they have been deprived of a full 90-minute match for which they have paid a not inconsiderable sum.'

United supporters have greeted the club's proposal with mixed reviews. 'It would beat the hell out of watching fucking Casemiro shamble about,' said one man who asked not to be identified. Emily, 32, worried about the animal cruelty aspects of the proposal. 'I wouldn't make my worst enemy work for the Glazers,' she said. Tony, 76, said he would prefer to see humans on the roster, 'but I'd be ok with the bears making a meal out of City.'

Fears of escalation may yet derail the initiative. Inspired by Gunnersaurus, Arsenal are already considering filling their roster with actual tyrannosaurs. 'The science is still a bit tricky, but we're making progress,' said a club official. The official admitted, however, that playing a starting XI of violent reptiles is 'unlikely to improve' the side's checkered disciplinary record.

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