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Grimsby man tells of harrowing ten-hour ordeal with Bear Grylls



A Grimsby man has told of the 'harrowing ten-hour ordeal' he endured when having to watch an entire series of Bear Grylls survival shows.


Tim Hogarth said: 'It was my turn to have access to my son Daniel for the weekend, so with a long Saturday stretching out before us I was delighted when he suggested we just stayed in, ordered pizza and streamed box sets.


'How was I to know the silly little bugger had become obsessed with Bear Grylls and his ludicrous survival drivel. God help me, but I had to watch ten of the wretched shows back-to-back.'


Now with Daniel safely back with Mum for the next two weeks, Tim revealed he has cancelled his Sky and Netflix subscriptions, and as an extra precaution, smashed his beloved 72-inch TV to avoid any possible repetition of the "sheer mind-numbing purgatory inflicted upon him".


Still deeply scarred by the experience he added: 'The reason I don't need to know how to distil my own piss or extract vital nutrition from baboon semen and coyote shite, is because I'll be in the pub then down the curry house.


'In common with nearly everyone else on the planet I have absolutely no intention of getting myself lost in some fucking jungle or desert in the arse-end of nowhere.'


A spokesman for Bear Grylls pointed out that technically Grimsby 'is the arse end of nowhere.'



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First published 15 Jul 2023


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It's the quiet life for Grylls and Mears in new Saturday night primetime show

Following on from the seemingly endless procession of facile drivel masquerading as Saturday evening primetime entertainment ITV inflicts on the public, the broadcaster has announced a new collaboration between Bear Grylls and Ray Mears.


Bear and Ray's Big Night In will see the two survival supremos share a quiet night in together at a small terraced house in Oldham. Explaining the project to showbiz critics they seemed in good spirits. 'It's going to be great,' enthused Mears. 'We'll be getting a few cans from the off-licence on the corner, ordering in a nice tasty curry and then streaming something from Netflix.'


'Yes, that's right,' agrees Grylls. 'It's going to make a change from us going off into jungles and wildernesses on our own. And let's face it, who in everyday ordinary life is ever going to find themselves in such a pickle? Our shows to date are utterly removed from any vestige of reality when you think about it. We're stunned TV execs never spotted the mind-numbing pointlessness of the concepts before now.


'I mean the average chartered accountant or postman would never find themselves having to drink armadillo semen or use a pair of specs to distil nutrients from gorilla shit mixed with stagnant water to survive. Well... not unless they're rushed to their local A & E.'



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