Everyone sitting in beer garden

Absolutely everyone has gone to the pub and is sitting in the beer garden enjoying a few pints, it has been confirmed.

The news comes despite it not actually being that warm in the evening and oh, it’s a bit nippy when the sun goes behind those clouds, isn’t it?

Nonetheless, the world and his wife is determined to enjoy a few ice cold Peronis and get a bit of sun of their collective backs after temperatures reached at least double figures today.

‘Got to celebrate the great British summer with a few cheeky jars’, chattered Mike McBride, 42, shivering in shorts and a t-shirt whilst sat outside at the Nags Head.

‘Richie here suggested we went inside at 6pm when there was a slight breeze’, continued McBride. ‘He’s such a buzz-kill.’

‘Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to order another round just as soon as a regain control of my frozen limbs’.

Photo by Ethan Hu on Unsplash

Chewable beer tablets are a bitter pill to swallow

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Mortgage holders urged to drink 150 pints of beer per day to break even

Disappointing children’s action figure Rishi Sunak has urged homeowners to work harder on their drinking in order to overcome rising mortgages.

‘Look, I realise most people are paying an extra £500 per month, and that’s apparently challenging for many of you’, he told reporters. ‘That’s why we’ve reduced the price of a pint of beer by 11p. A mere 151 pints a day is the break-even point. Obviously it would be better if you just bought the house outright, but if you will insist on using a mortgage you can now offset some or all of the additional expense with cheap beer’.

Critics have pointed out that beer duty hasn’t fallen, it’s stayed the same – in pubs – while rising 10.1% on cans and bottles from off-licences.

‘Ah’, said Sunak, ‘I’m glad you spotted that. Inflation means that a price freeze is the same as a price cut. Glad we cleared that up. I want to get people back into pubs – don’t ask me why, I assume Infosys has just bought a few thousand – so I’m making them more competitive’.

If the beer thing proves popular with voters Sunak has promised to take a look at bread and circuses.