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Stag attendee ‘can’t admit’ he doesn’t like it


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Dave (28) is on his third stag event this year. He had to fake diphtheria to get the time off work, and is currently trying not to throw up whilst paragliding.


‘I’ve always hated heights’, he told reporters. ‘And crowds. Enforced jollity. I don’t even like the taste of beer but whenever I ask for a diet coke they bring me a pint of lager anyway. Oh shit, let me down, please’.


Dave’s leg is sore after an unwise visit to a backstreet tattoo artist, though on the plus side he now has the Chinese characters for “Early closing every Wednesday” running down his thigh. He thinks it’s a quotation from Sun Tzu’s Art of War.


Dave’s in Ibiza with five mates. The names vary but it’s the same characters – Hollow Legs, Dickhead, Tight-Arse, Boner and Nonce. They all seem really happy so Dave doesn’t feel he can disclose his preference for a good Jane Austen novel and an early night. 80% of Dave’s take-home pay is spent servicing parties he hates. In a couple of days he’ll be able to go home and start saving for the next one.


‘I think we should be able to add it to our student loan, really’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘Or maybe we could combine it with a gap year and do a gap stag year. Like a Moonie wedding but in Ibiza and everybody’s wasted’.


Dave stores that thought up so he has something to say later when the conversation turns to football. He wonders if any of the others feel the same way but then spots Nonce yelling obscenities at a schoolgirl while Dickhead pukes from an open-topped bus onto a passing nun, and stifles the thought. ‘Soon be over’, he thinks.




Local man knows precisely how much beer is in his fridge


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A local man has stunned psychologists with his real-time awareness of beer availability.


‘We were researching short-term memory and he was as useless as most men’, said a researcher. ‘Couldn’t remember how old his children are – he actually thought his 23 year old daughter was, and I quote, “roughly 18?” He also didn’t know his wife’s birthday, what he had eaten the previous day or what he was wearing. Even after we allowed him to look at himself in a mirror he couldn’t be more precise than “a shirt and jeans?”


‘As usual, when we quizzed his wife she knew the dates of birth of everybody in the extended family, the magnitude of every gas bill going back twelve years and a detailed description of every outfit she had ever worn. We were just in the process of classifying the man as “usual fuckwit” – it’s a scientific term, don’t judge me – when we casually asked him if he could recall anything that was in the fridge.


‘Not only did he know there were three cans of Stella, a bottle of Old Speckled Hen and two bottles of Theakston’s Old Peculiar but he could give us a precise history of usage. Apparently Dave came round on Tuesday bringing a four-pack of Stella but mostly drank the man’s Guinness. Then Pete called in with a selection of beers but drank all except the Old Speckled Hen. It went on. And on. To be honest, it was more tedious than the wife’s description of summer dresses and just as detailed’.


Researchers are now planning a systematic analysis of male beer inventory strategies – or “counting” – as part of their PhD studies. NewsBiscuit can probably save them some time. Our research involved asking blokes in the office. They all know precisely how much beer is in their fridge and also think that Dave is a bastard for drinking the Guinness.






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