The US president signed-off on military aid to Union soldiers in 1865, newly discovered documents have shown. He also sent cannon to Lord Nelson to help tip the balance of power at the Battle of Trafalgar. Embarrassed Whitehouse staff admitted finding the batch of classified documents in the president's fridge, alongside his car keys and slippers. His dentures are still missing.
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- Aug 10, 2022
The White House Press Secretary has admitted that Joe Biden was cremated in an "unfortunate error" this morning. After a whole week without autocue gaffes or bicycle incidents, the President was assumed to be dead.
'In hindsight, we should have sought a doctor's opinion,' admits Vice-President Harris. 'But due to the President having COVID, health and safety rules meant doctors are only allowed to stand outside the White House window and peek in at him.'
This is believed to be the biggest embarrassment for the White House since Ronald Reagan was accidentally buried alive in 1988, when he was mistaken for dead after a week-long siesta.
However, constitutional experts believe Biden can still discharge his duties, and there can be "no serious objection" to sending his ashes to represent America at the next G7 summit.
'It introduces a new level of diversity to the office", said a White House spokesman. 'Mr Biden is our first Combustion-American President.'
- Apr 9, 2022
With the big race taking place this Saturday here's NewsBiscuit's annual guide to the no hopers and dead certs.
KeepmyWifesNameOutYoMouth - caused a genuine shock when quick out of his stall at the Hollywood Stakes a couple of weeks ago, easily beating Rock's Rib Tickler. Stewards still looking at excessive use of the hand. Form over recent years a bit erratic - particularly in Bad Boys 2. 6-1
Nothing From Rishi - disappointed millions with a poor showing in the Budget Handicap last week. Claimed to be hampered and boxed in by Lockdown Spending. Housewife's favourite a couple of years ago, but those winning performances at the Furlough Festival now seem like a distant memory. 25-1
You're my Nom Dom - stable partner of Nothing from Rishi. This thoroughbred was sired out of InfoSys. Lifetime winnings of over £400 million so far, although this falls to £399.9 million after tax. Prefers the more generous terrain of the Cayman Islands than Aintree. 5-2
Bojos Mojo - generally poorly groomed with a distinctive white mane, hasn't put in a credible performance for some time. Prefers stud work but establishing all his bloodlines has proved to be a challenge.
Let Sue Gray Do her Work - had plenty of outings earlier this year but noticeably quiet over recent weeks. Asked some questions of Bojos Mojo but seems unlikely to deliver what punters are hoping for. 10-1 (is the time one of the Downing Street Parties started - bring your own booze).
Putin's Folly - likes to try and dictate the pace - and everything else - but the best days are behind him. Recent outings in Ukraine have been ill-judged and has encountered a tougher contest than expected. Thought to be involved in doping scandals at Salisbury, amongst other places. 33-1
Sleepy Joe B - popular victor over MakeAmericaGreatAgain last year but form is now unpredictable and erratic. Often starts well but stumbles over small hurdles and looks ready for the knackers yard.
4 For Sale - fiercely independent, with many triumphs in a 40-year history, including wins at Brookside, Countdown, Big Brother and errrr…Naked Attraction. Current trainer Nadine Dorries says the horse needs to now compete in a different class, but insiders say sell-off may be revenge for news coverage that is often straight from the horse's mouth and critical of the government. 15-1 is another (old) favourite
P and O Shitshow - outcry recently after owners tried to replace jockey with a cheaper agency rider citing high labour costs in UK. Unrepentant in stewards committee and owners have said they would put the horse in a glue factory tomorrow if the price was right. 50-1. Avoid.
Kwasi's Kopout - trainer says this late entry is full of energy, but talk that he can run like the wind looks likely to be just hot air. Looks like he needs some TLC, but the stable won't even pay for a blanket in his stall. Likes the going wet to radioactive. 25/1
Foo Fighter - withdrawn owing to unforeseen circumstances.
Partygate - much prefers a mid-week run out after feeling a tad woozy following Wine Fridays. Subject of multiple steward's enquiries. Likely to break all the rules during the race and will deny everything in the paddock. 47,000/1
Contributions from Sir Lupus and O'Shaughnessy
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