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Fat Owl of the Remove snubbed at school reunion




"I say, chaps. It's the awful oik Johnson. Who let him in?"

"I think he must have sneaked in through a toilet window."

"More like crawled in under a hedge."

"Look at the state of him. You'd think he'd have learnt how to tuck his shirt in by now."

"Still doesn't use a hairbrush, I see.


"Where did he end up after he left us?'

"He went to that Britain Comprehensive."

"The one in Special Measures?"

"That's the one."


"Well, I think someone should show him the door. Trudeau is a big lad. Let's get him to do it."

"No. We don't want to spoil this get together with any unpleasantness. Let's just ignore him."

"Right you are."

"Agreed. Joe, old chap nice to see you. How was the flight?"


Boris: "Thinks ... The rotters. What a mouldy chiz."


Hank the Tank put on standby’ warns Biden





US President Biden has warned Vladimir Putin that he is prepared to send a 500lb bear to assist Ukraine in their attempt to halt the ongoing Russian invasion.


Biden warned Russia that the bear would be dropped behind enemy lines unless they withdraw troops from the conflict with immediate effect. The bear is known to have a raging appetite for human junk food and could impact Russian supply chains within hours of being mobilised.


‘We all know the quote attributed to Frederick the Great that an army marches on its stomach’ said a former US General. ‘Well so does Hank……'.


'Russian soldiers might be loyal to Putin right now' continued the General. 'But after a week of seeing Hank eating their field rations and taking a dump in their food trucks…..well, I’m not so sure’.


Hank has been terrorising Californian homes in the Lake Tahoe region for several weeks now and due to a diet of fast food and Cola his weight has ballooned to an enormous 500lb.


He may not be quite as enormous as the average American but still a good size for a black bear.


‘It is unusual to see them out and about at this time of year as they usually hibernate and wait for the warmer weather before emerging from their sleep’ said bear expert Jason Beesley. ’And the same goes for the bears’.


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