Please, someone, make it stop

Children already ‘bored’ in 2nd week of school holiday

Just two weeks after schools broke up for the 6-week summer holiday, children across the UK have officially announced that they are ‘bored’.

“I’ve finished Netflix,” reported 12-year-old Alfie Thompson, slumped dramatically across a sofa, his thumbs still twitching from residual Fortnite reflexes. “Mum told me to go outside, but like… to do what? Look at grass?”

Parents across the nation are experiencing déjà vu, and are recalling their own childhood holidays filled with similar levels of existential despair—though notably with fewer devices and more aimless stick-finding.

“It’s uncanny,” said Claire Jenkins, mother of two and veteran of the ‘I’m Bored’ crisis of last summer. “I presented them with a paddling pool, a football, and even suggested visiting Grandma. They said, and I quote, ‘Is she on TikTok?’”

The UK government has issued no official response, but insiders suggest Downing Street may propose emergency boredom relief measures, such as a ‘National Go and Play in the Garden Day’ - an initiative sure to be ignored by 96% of children in favour of ‘just one more YouTube video.’

Meanwhile, grandparents nationwide are preparing to unleash their secret weapon: tales of how they ‘made their own fun’ with only a ball of string and an overactive imagination, a strategy known to have a 0.2% success rate in 2025.

As the crisis deepens, experts warn that by week 3, the nation’s children may reach ‘Peak Boredom’, characterised by spontaneous living room parkour, and repeatedly whining, “Can we go to McDonald’s?”

Meanwhile, the nation’s parents sigh deeply, and add extra alcohol to their online grocery order.

image from pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Man bases entire personality on coffee habits

A Suffolk man has based his entire work-persona and all office social interactions on his coffee preferences, it can be revealed.

Philip Deering from Scole is either "basically unconscious until I get me morning coffee!' or 'bouncing of the freakin' walls, mate!' according to his unilaterally-imposed and relentless statements to coworkers, as well as any passing cleaning or delivery staff who will listen, which is none.

Other unsolicited and vapid bean-based announcements include "Tea's not strong enough for me!', 'Need my coffee hit!," and '"ought myself a new cafetiere with a handcrafted oak plunger!" according to weary colleagues.

'Phil's mundane and ostensibly self-depreciating "addiction" updates are actually nothing more than thinly disguised and bizarrely pitched caffeine brags, though quite whom he is trying to impress is difficult to ascertain,' laments Jenny from Accounts, fresh from her fifteen minute ordeal at the copier.

This morning I was forced to listen to a review of his latest "artisan'"baboon-picked, vanilla guano beans. Its was quite frankly the most boring and faux-middle-class thing I've ever heard - and also meant I couldn't get a word in about my new wild yoga business or our wonderful new gardener, James. Oh you must meet him, a wizard with the orchids!'

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash