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Boris Johnson to renounce ‘human form’


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Speaking to a packed room of journalists, the PM said he would run again but only in his natural reptilian shape. Mr. Johnson is not the first flesh-eating, shape-shifting extra-terrestrial to represent the Conservative Party, but he is the first not to defect to UKIP. As a member of the Illuminati, Mr. Johnson argued that he was well placed to promote a cold-blooded agenda and spelt out his intention to use the failed Thames Hub Airport as the ideal location to lay his eggs.



Footage has emerged from 1987 of Mr. Johnson and David Cameron, both Oxford undergraduates at the Bullingdon Club, dislocating their jaw bones and ‘downing’ a dozen live mice. An aide commented ‘His slow metabolism prevents him electioneering in the chilly north. And while he may have a smaller brain than your average mammal, that never stopped any politician before’.


First published 6 May 2022



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BBC will outsource future drama projects to Acton am-dram group


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In the wake of another attack by Prime Minister Boris Johnson (you're not dreaming, he still is), the BBC announced a move that will no longer see them paying top stars large salaries.


The corporation is to close its world-famous drama studio later this year, and instead all future programmes will be produced and staged by amateur dramatic society, St Michael’s Strolling Players from Acton.


The first programme slated under the new arrangement will an adaptation of the James Joyce classic, Ulysses, with bus driver Alan Chivers cast in the role of Leopold Bloom. The production is to be broadcast live from Acton Drill Hall to save on costly studio sets and recording facilities.


Daphne Miller, a doctor’s receptionist and the group’s creative director said: ‘Alan’s really not bad at all once he's had a few brandies to settle his nerves. His Sky Masterson, when we did Guys and Dolls last Summer, was two-starred by the The Acton Bugle's arts critic.


'Yes, he can be a little shaky remembering lines, but if we write them on bits of the set I'm sure it’ll be alright on the night.’



First published 2 May 2022



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Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'


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Following the news that a man with joint British and Russian citizenship has been sentenced to 25 years in a Russian prison, the Foreign Office has officially upgraded its criticism of the Russian state from “feeble” to “limp”.


Vladimir Kara-Murza was sentenced for being a vocal critic of President Putin, though the court promised to come up with a more legal-sounding charge as soon as they have a moment. It also insisted that reporters didn’t refer to the prison as a gulag, even though it’s exactly the same series of remote camps in arctic Siberia and people are still being sent there without any pretence of legal process.


A Foreign Office spokesman said today that if upgrading their criticism to “limp” didn’t frighten the Russians into cooperating, the next stage would be “floppy”, after which come “half-hearted”, “pathetic” and finally “wet lettuce”. However, they denied this meant they weren’t making their case strenuously.


'We have asked for an appointment with the Russian Ambassador so we can lodge our protest at their treatment of a British citizen. Unfortunately, his office said he had a hairdressing appointment he can’t move, and after that he’s got tickets to a show. But we’re confident he will at least read the phone messages we left before the weekend.'


First published 19 April 2023



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