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‘Racist, misogynist, homophobic’ - BoJo is ideal Met Police Chief


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Just in case his lies get him sacked yet again, Boris Johnson is supposedly intrigued by the Casey Report's description of the Met Police as ‘racist, misogynistic and homophobic’. One aide said ‘That description sounds like something Boris can really get behind - in good faith and on the basis of what he honestly believes. Then he can do a misleading but unintentional 180 whenever it becomes expedient.’


One Tory MP said ‘If Boris does get kicked out, he’d need to go somewhere where “racism, misogyny and homophobia” is the motto, probably in Latin under the crest. The Met Police seems like a logical fit – he could go door to door in Uxbridge and South Ruislip and taser everyone who doesn’t vote for him on whatever charges he likes.’


Meanwhile Nadine Dorries’ office appeared to confirm that the same woman who didn’t know who pays for Channel 4, will self-immolate outside the Privileges Committee Rooms if her hero Boris was found guilty of having misled the House of Commons. As petrol is still pretty expensive, several thousand yet-to-be-pulped copies of Dorries’ novels will be used as kindling.


A statement, possibly written by Dorries herself (in crayon and in capitals) read ‘BJ didn’t mislead the House because everyone already knew he was lying. I call him BJ because... well... you can work it out for yourselves.’


First published 22 March 2023




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Imposter PM phoned by Ukrainian


An investigation has been launched into how someone like Boris Johnson could get anywhere near being prime-minister after a Ukrainian was put through to Mr Johnson after calling 10 Downing Street and asking to speak to the PM.


"I have to admit I just panicked", explained the number 10 telephone operator in question, "The gentleman called and asked to speak to the prime-minister. I'd been given instructions not to let anyone speak to Mr Johnson unless they were offering a photo opportunity in a hospital or a lot of money, but somehow I forgot that and now the Ukraine government know the truth."


First published 20 Mar 2022



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Leaked plan to hold up placard behind Boris Johnson in PMQs


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An audacious plan by Tory rebels to hold up a placard behind the PM that says "HE'S LYING AGAIN" has come to the knowledge of our political correspondent, however it's unclear how the plan can succeed, given the phalanx of Tory whips that now block the entrance to the Commons armed with pilums and the gladius, which by tradition, needs to be hung in the members' cloakroom to prevent blood being spilled on the luxurious Commons carpets and furnishings.


Boris Johnson's current biographer told us "This H&S nonsense is all part of the Johnson plan. He dreamed of being Julius Caesar when he was a nipper, then it was Winston Churchill, but now he dreams of being Vladimir Putin. He's already instructed Lulu Lytle to redesign his flat so that it can accommodate a dining table so long, he needs a telescope to see his wife and kids sitting at the other end of it; and his plans for the refurbishment of the Houses of Parliament are causing concern among architects in whether it's possible for each side of the chamber to hear each other, given the distance Johnson now wants between the despatch boxes.



First published 17 Mar 2022



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