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He's got other stuff to get on with today


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The Prime Minister is described as being too busy to make an apology for his Jimmy Savile statement directed at Keir Starmer. Whilst an apology would take at least 10 minutes (even for Boris) to assemble, a ’senior source’ has ‘advised’ that he ‘has got other stuff to get on with today’.


These include:-


Practising hitting a cow’s arse with a banjo


Practising tucking his shirt in properly (a long-term goal)


Practising a remorseful / contrite look in the mirror whilst simultaneously trying not to laugh


Preparing to prosecute journalists showing insufficient respect for Carrie Johnson


Setting up a top-level inquiry as to why bears are polluting the woods


Calling a COBRA meeting to determine what stuff is too sensitive or difficult to get on with.


Chugging in Whitehall to raise funds for new 11 Downing Street decorations (subject to availability of protection teams)


The spokesman added he will definitely NOT be practising the guitar chords to Nirvana’s ‘All apologies’


First published 10 Feb 2022



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Man with no backbone runs the country thanks to wealthy donors


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A man with a complete lack of spine has been able to run the country, thanks donations from his privileged backers. It is the first time someone who has had a complete lack of any moral standards been able to rule the UK freely. It has improved his health so much that he has been able to become a father again, twice.


Boris Johnson was desensitised after years at Eton and Cambridge - and he has no feeling at all. But he can now party almost every night with no repercussions, despite the country going to rack and ruin. Someone this damaged should never have been allowed to rise to power.


The researchers stress the only real cure is a general election, but it is still too complicated to be used in everyday life, but hail it nonetheless as a major step to improving quality of life.



First published 8 Feb 2022



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NEWSBISCUIT offer: Free BORIS QUITS! cut and paste headline for all our readers


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First published 6 Feb 2022



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