top of page
Search

Leaked plan to hold up placard behind Boris Johnson in PMQs


An audacious plan by Tory rebels to hold up a placard behind the PM that says "HE'S LYING AGAIN" has come to the knowledge of our political correspondent, however it's unclear how the plan can succeed, given the phalanx of Tory whips that now block the entrance to the Commons armed with pilums and the gladius, which by tradition, needs to be hung in the members' cloakroom to prevent blood being spilled on the luxurious Commons carpets and furnishings.


Boris Johnson's current biographer told us "This H&S nonsense is all part of the Johnson plan. He dreamed of being Julius Caesar when he was a nipper, then it was Winston Churchill, but now he dreams of being Vladimir Putin. He's already instructed Lulu Lytle to redesign his flat so that it can accommodate a dining table so long, he needs a telescope to see his wife and kids sitting at the other end of it; and his plans for the refurbishment of the Houses of Parliament are causing concern among architects in whether it's possible for each side of the chamber to hear each other, given the distance Johnson now wants between the despatch boxes.



First published 17 Mar 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Boris Johnson’s six point plan to end Ukraine crisis in full




1. Boney M’s ‘Rasputin’ to be banned from all UK radio stations


2. Beef Stroganoff to be removed from the House of Commons canteen


3. A complete cultural boycott of Russian touring artists (with exceptions for hot female violinists who for some reason find an overweight, shop soiled Furby in human form inexplicably attractive)


4. Liz Truss to be despatched to Moscow in a different ethnic Russian costume each week until Putin gets fed up


5. Roman Abramovich to be limited to owning no more than five diamond encrusted helicopters, while his super yacht must be permanently moored in Weston Super Mare


6. All donations to the Conservative Party from Russian oligarchs to be paid back immediately. Except there haven’t been any, honest. Stop playing politics, let’s move on etc.



First published 8 Mar 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Johnson abandons sanctions in favour of 'Williamson Doomsday Solution'


As international sanctions have proven to be completely ineffective against Russia's invasion of Ukraine, Britain has announced it is prepared to deploy the ultimate force against despot Vladimir Putin.

Addressing a packed press suite at Ten Downing Street earlier, an ashen-faced Boris Johnson told reporters. 'Regrettably, it is the doomsday scenario, but we have been left no further options in this conflict. And therefore, it's with a heavy heart that I announce I am appointing Gavin Williamson back into frontline politics as Foreign Secretary.

'Gavin acts on Putin in much the same way as Red Kryptonite does on Superman, and once he has delivered a salvo of well-chosen schoolboy insults, we are sure that Mr Putin will see the error of his ways and back down.'

Unconfirmed reports are suggesting Williamson (10) has been issued with a new blazer, house tie, shorts and knee-length woolly socks and is currently practising the insult "Yah boo, smelly you." This is deployed along with "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire," in conjunction with his trademark Putin put down, "Russia should go away and shut up".



First published 27 Feb 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















bottom of page