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Thatcher portrait removed from Nº 10 due to addition of pearl necklace by Boris Johnson

Amid intense speculation, a portrait of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has been removed from Number 10, Downing Street.


Following forensic investigation, it has emerged that the pearl necklace she wears in the painting was not created by the original artist. DNA profiling has revealed that the creator of the pearl necklace is one Alexander de Pfeffel Boris Spaffer Johnson.


'I recall a period of intense work that Mr Johnson did on that piece in his bedroom,' confirmed the Keeper of The House. There was more partying at Downing Street than the public were ever made aware of.


'Judging by the amount of grunting late into the night, my strong suspicion is that further DNA tests will uncover the identities of other Cabinet members. Jacob Rees-Mogg certainly made his own attempt at besmirching The Queen.


'At this moment it is unclear who might be responsible for the appearance of a 'Dirty Sanchez' on Tony Blair. That would require further analysis. But I don't think Liz Truss had the time or the ability.'




Newsbiscuit contributor – ‘A moment of madness'



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A tearful Robowurzel announced last night that he was considering stepping back from contributing to Newsbiscuit – allegedly a top 10 (of something) in the world of satire.


He blubbed: 'In a moment of madness, okay actually about three years, I have been posting tasteless, puerile, politically, grammatically and punctuationally incorrect material that hopefully someone would find offensive. However all that resulted was a few ‘likes’, but mostly silence.


'I realise I have let myself down. But more than this I have let down my family, my friends (not that I have got many), the postman, the dog next door, Boris Johnson and others too few to mention.


'Unfortunately news of my shame has spread. The BBC has approached me to ask if I would be interested in becoming a football pundit. I pointed out that I hate the sport and know nothing about it. In response they offered to double my salary.'


Photo by dlxmedia.hu on Unsplash


A New Life In the Sun special planned for people who've incited riots

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Channel 4 is planning a special edition for people who've encouraged rioters. A Channel 4 spokesman explained;



"Most of the people who've thought it was a brilliant idea to promote rioting either live abroad or are planning to at very, very short notice, so it makes sense have a special edition for this, rather specialised, requirement.



One participant has caused confusion for the show's producers; "Let's call him Tommy R.", groaned a producer, "He's looking for a home in the EU where he'll be an immigrant. We finally realised it easiest to see what he's complained about and do that."


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