Entitled Goose Game

Anticipating that brown envelopes full of cash may dry up once he is ejected from No. 10, Boris Johnson is working with computer game developers on something new and original.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Your character is Prime Minister and faces serious real-world challenges. However you get points for charging around causing chaos, partying, getting laid and lining the pockets of you and your mates.'

Game developer Luke Lyle said 'I renamed Untitled Goose Game, and took their money.'

Hootington-Hurst continued 'Turns out, we've changed one letter from an existing game. Now an 'E' instead of a 'U'. Suella Braverman's legal view is that it's all the EU's fault anyway. Anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of the people.'

Lyle did not anticipate an enquiry into the money spent. 'What are the Tories going to do? Track and Trace me?'

The moving van came round just after dark

'What I did on my holibobs' by Boris Johnson

Criticised for going on holiday at a time of national crisis, Boris Johnson has been compiling a dodgy dossier of his achievements, written in Comic Sans, leaked excerpts below:

'Apparently there's a cost of living crisis. Not for me! Well, there is a cost to everyone else if I go on living. I floated past the free bar on my lilo and I saw Michael Gove bobbing round on an inflatable pink flamingo with a pina colada whilst wearing breathtakingly small trunks. I took his knife from my back, slashed his inflatable and said "Hasta la vista baby" as he sank.'

'I got to fly a fighter plane. I made all the noises myself like 'nyaum' and 'Gerry's on our six' and 'pew pew, pew pew pew'. One of the other chaps told me not to be such a tango whisky alpha tango. I said "Them's the breaks".'

'People say I'm so tired from my last holiday, I need another holiday? Well I bloody did it. Living the dream baby. Peace out.'