Criticised for going on holiday at a time of national crisis, Boris Johnson has been compiling a dodgy dossier of his achievements, written in Comic Sans, leaked excerpts below:
'Apparently there's a cost of living crisis. Not for me! Well, there is a cost to everyone else if I go on living. I floated past the free bar on my lilo and I saw Michael Gove bobbing round on an inflatable pink flamingo with a pina colada whilst wearing breathtakingly small trunks. I took his knife from my back, slashed his inflatable and said "Hasta la vista baby" as he sank.'
'I got to fly a fighter plane. I made all the noises myself like 'nyaum' and 'Gerry's on our six' and 'pew pew, pew pew pew'. One of the other chaps told me not to be such a tango whisky alpha tango. I said "Them's the breaks".'
'People say I'm so tired from my last holiday, I need another holiday? Well I bloody did it. Living the dream baby. Peace out.'