‘Total arse’ manifests in melted tarmac

A man claims to have seen the arse of Boris Johnson in the liquefying tar of the A630 just outside Doncaster.

‘I was just coming back from Homebase, when the road became too sticky to drive on,’ bleated spam barista Martin Reckon. ‘I got out of the car ready to take evasive action - a sadface selfie and tweet to the Daily Mail’s “Readerswank” page - when I realised the shape of the puddle in the road looked eerily familiar. It was quite a shock - shows how quickly you adjust, even after two years of having them gleefully thrust in your face on a daily basis.’

Asked how he could be certain the asphalt-art was the oleaginous buttocks of currently absent PM and permanently absenting human being Johnson, Martin chuckled: ‘They’re as recognisable to me as the sunshine, or the smile on a newly ears-pierced toddler.

‘Who hasn’t seen those magnificent arse-mammaries squeezing through a straining zipwire harness, turning smartly away from an hypothermic pensioner, or lumping enthusiastically up and down on your girlfriend when you pop back upstairs to fetch your good glasses from the bedside table?

‘It was almost as if he was bidding me a very personal farewell, I’ll treasure it forever. It’s even better than the time I thought I saw his face in the margarine; though thinking back, I’m not entirely sure that wasn’t him simply hiding in my fridge.’

Trump loses everything on massive gamble with a straight flush

Despite having a small, yet unbeatable hand, Ronald Flump has somehow managed to grope defeat from right between the thighs of victory.

When you fire an FBI chief for doing his job and then personally install a wanky sock puppet who will cover up all of the shady stuff you have ever done and wish to carry on doing, and that wanky sock puppet can't protect you from yourself, then the Republican party faithful have a right to consider whether you are fit to be their sex pest of choice.

The mentor who taught Boris Johnson all of the moves to make when the doors come off the clown car, tried to flush incriminating evidence down a nearby toilet. What has really fried the imaginations of the greatest exponents of slapstick, is that having failed to do so, he tried again. On multiple occasions. With toply secret material. Even on visits to hostile nations. 'Why is this still not working? It always does in the cartoons.'

This innovative behaviour has even puzzled the internationally renowned incompetent Mr. Bean who mouthed the words, 'Why did he not use a shredder, and get his tie caught in it like this?'

Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson

Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray.

Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes".

Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnson admits that he could clean it up and replace the kitty litter, but that's not the point. 'It's not my role to clean up cat poo, mop floors and open windows,' he told reporters.

Candidates to be the UK's next worst Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss have agreed in principle to have a meeting about the situation but are both remaining tight-lipped about how to solve the issue before September's leadership vote.

A spokesperson for Sunak told us that £4 billion will be set aside to look into this issue and Liz Truss is claiming that it's probably some foreign cats who have been creeping in and crapping in the tray.

In the meantime, Larry has been using the flower beds in the gardens of Number 11.