‘It was nice while it lasted’: Gavin Williamson cancels Lamborghini order

With tales of Carrie's ministerial ministrations to Boris Johnson’s Johnson, while its married owner was purportedly head of the Foreign Office in everything bar competence, coming out faster than biological stains out of gold-embossed wallpaper, Gavin Williamson is seeing his pleasant journey on the hush-money gravy train dribbling to an end.

Williamson’s escalating blackmail demands, after allegedly walking in on the couple in flagrante, resulted in him being promoted to Defence Minister. This despite the leaking of plans to ‘vigorously defend our sovereignty over Isla St Clair and the Nick Kamen Islands’. The then Secretary of State for Education handed over A-Level grading to the Montenegro Eurovision voting panel, before being knighted for Services to Forgetting Those Horrifically Haunting Images.

Putting reserve plans into place with hitherto undisplayed military precision, the human badly-tied shoelace has honourably put his South Staffordshire constituents first by swiftly accepting a £50,000-a-year second job advising RTC Education Ltd, who in addition to running private schools, has donated over £165,000 to the Tories.

‘I don’t know how he landed such a cushy role,’ commented an unnamed spider. ‘I can only guess his new employer is similarly careless about locking the door while getting their hinges oiled.’

Image from Pixabay by Virvoreanu-Laurentiu

https://pixabay.com/photos/yellow-car-lambo-vehicle-transport-2142781/

At a laundrette somewhere near 1 Horse Guards Road, London

If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris

Boris Johnson is "powerfully attracted" to the idea of Vladimir Putin as a woman, an aide to the UK Prime Minister suggested today. 'Forget Ukraine, I'd be invading Vladimira! he was reputed to have muttered, applying a blonde wig filter to news photos of the Russian President on his phone while waiting to speak at a press conference at the NATO summit in Madrid.

'Boris was complaining that there aren't enough women at these summits,' said the aide, 'especially after the prime ministers of both Sweden and Finland refused his offer for "special negotiations". We've tried to spin this as appreciating women's roles as peacemakers, after all that's something that female leaders like Indira Gandhi and Margaret Thatcher were famous for.'

Rumours that a Tory donor has been approached to fund "an op" for Putin have been denied, but Downing Street refused to comment on reports that Mr Johnson recently made a Zoom call to Putin and opened it with the words "is that a tank in my pocket or am I pleased to see you?"