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‘It was nice while it lasted’: Gavin Williamson cancels Lamborghini order

With tales of Carrie's ministerial ministrations to Boris Johnson’s Johnson, while its married owner was purportedly head of the Foreign Office in everything bar competence, coming out faster than biological stains out of gold-embossed wallpaper, Gavin Williamson is seeing his pleasant journey on the hush-money gravy train dribbling to an end.

Williamson’s escalating blackmail demands, after allegedly walking in on the couple in flagrante, resulted in him being promoted to Defence Minister. This despite the leaking of plans to ‘vigorously defend our sovereignty over Isla St Clair and the Nick Kamen Islands’. The then Secretary of State for Education handed over A-Level grading to the Montenegro Eurovision voting panel, before being knighted for Services to Forgetting Those Horrifically Haunting Images.

Putting reserve plans into place with hitherto undisplayed military precision, the human badly-tied shoelace has honourably put his South Staffordshire constituents first by swiftly accepting a £50,000-a-year second job advising RTC Education Ltd, who in addition to running private schools, has donated over £165,000 to the Tories.

‘I don’t know how he landed such a cushy role,’ commented an unnamed spider. ‘I can only guess his new employer is similarly careless about locking the door while getting their hinges oiled.’

Image from Pixabay by Virvoreanu-Laurentiu


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