Boris Johnson hits back furiously following 'BloJo' incident

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has attempted to deflect from his role in the steamy scenario described in yesterday’s Private Eye magazine in which an MP, believed to be Gavin Williamson, walked into Johnson’s office when he was Foreign Secretary and found him being given noisy oral relief by his current wife Carrie Johnson, then plain Carrie Symonds.

Johnson, however, was still married to his second wife, Marina, at the time the alleged scenario took place.

Shortly after the incident, now being given the social media hashtag, #blojo, Symonds was in return given a job by Johnson with a salary of £100,000 per annum. The inference being made by ‘The Eye’ is that she was appointed to the position for ‘services rendered’

However, in typical forthright, rumbustious style, Johnson sought to explain away the accusation, telling newsmen: ‘No story happened. It wasn’t my cock. I’m sorry, it was my cock. I’m not sorry it was my cock. It was a work blow. Let’s wait for Sue Gray. Let’s wait for the Met Police. Let’s wait for the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Let’s move on. The people’s priority is to move on. It's all fluff. I’m getting on the job.’

Gavin Williamson was approached for comment but his office said that he’s currently unavailable while he continues to recover from the long-term effects of an eye-bleaching episode following the event.

Image from Pixabay by Tumisu

https://pixabay.com/photos/sexuality-banana-kiss-lipstick-6182995/

‘It was nice while it lasted’: Gavin Williamson cancels Lamborghini order

With tales of Carrie's ministerial ministrations to Boris Johnson’s Johnson, while its married owner was purportedly head of the Foreign Office in everything bar competence, coming out faster than biological stains out of gold-embossed wallpaper, Gavin Williamson is seeing his pleasant journey on the hush-money gravy train dribbling to an end.

Williamson’s escalating blackmail demands, after allegedly walking in on the couple in flagrante, resulted in him being promoted to Defence Minister. This despite the leaking of plans to ‘vigorously defend our sovereignty over Isla St Clair and the Nick Kamen Islands’. The then Secretary of State for Education handed over A-Level grading to the Montenegro Eurovision voting panel, before being knighted for Services to Forgetting Those Horrifically Haunting Images.

Putting reserve plans into place with hitherto undisplayed military precision, the human badly-tied shoelace has honourably put his South Staffordshire constituents first by swiftly accepting a £50,000-a-year second job advising RTC Education Ltd, who in addition to running private schools, has donated over £165,000 to the Tories.

‘I don’t know how he landed such a cushy role,’ commented an unnamed spider. ‘I can only guess his new employer is similarly careless about locking the door while getting their hinges oiled.’

Image from Pixabay by Virvoreanu-Laurentiu

https://pixabay.com/photos/yellow-car-lambo-vehicle-transport-2142781/

Man sweeping up leaves not wasting his time

With another major winter storm blowing across the country, a man has been busy sweeping up leaves, despite claims he’s ‘Sisyphean’ and ‘an idiot’. Derek Drummond said ‘The answer isn't blowing in the wind, it's leaves. What if some of them blow on to a railway line? That will mean HS2 goes another £10 billion over budget and is only able to serve Tory constituencies. I’d say about 52% of the leaves in my garden have left, with 48% remaining. The leaver leaves have made a mess all over the floor, so I’m helping the environment by sweeping these biodegradable leaves into a single use plastic bag.’ On hearing that there’s a lot of blow, Michael Gove was seen to noticeably perk up. Acquaintances say the prospect of snow drifts had him 'dancing like a Tory Bez'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

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