New Angela 'Three Pads' Rayner version of Monopoly launched

Hasbeen, manufacturer of the classic property trading board game Monopoly, has decided to base a special edition on the antics of Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner. 

The object of the 'Three Pads' version is to acquire three properties while paying as little tax as possible. To do this, players can put properties in trust, or flip them from first to second home and back again according to the needs of the moment.

However, some of the game developers feel that to base it too closely on Rayner’s behaviour would make it too complex to be fun for anyone but specialist tax accountants.

'So you’re saying that if you put this property in trust, you pay less stamp duty on that one… oh, but then don’t you have to pay more council tax if it’s a second home?… sod it, let’s just say that if you draw two 'Keir Starmer has full confidence in you' cards in a row, you go to jail.'

Sources close to Three Pads say the rest of the cabinet tried to take her mind off things with a karaoke night, though it didn’t help her mood when she got up to sing and someone put on 'Should I stay or should I go?'

Image credit: perchance.org

Aunty Angela's Stamp Payment Error

Noah Thomkinson, now aged six years and four days, was in tears yesterday when an eagerly-anticipated sixth birthday card from his Aunty Angela failed to arrive until he was already three days into his sixth year.  He is now demanding that Angela resign from her position as his Aunt, on the grounds that she has no right to remain in the post if she was unable or unwilling to face up to the responsibilities of this position.

When he examined the envelope in which his card arrived, Noah noted that it only bore a second-class stamp, not a first class stamp, which probably accounts for its late delivery.  When Noah's parents questioned Angela about this, she explained that she had sought advice from the post office clerk before she posted the card, had been assured that a second-class stamp was all that was required, and that the payment of a substantial additional amount of money for a first-class stamp was not necessary.

Angela subsequently realised that she may well have been incorrectly advised, and that the correct payment should perhaps have been for a first-class stamp.  A final, definitive and authoritative verdict on this is currently being sought from Royal Mail, although for reasons of 'family confidentiality' they might not be able to fully reveal all of their findings to the public. 

Angela has also written to Noah and apologised for any error she may have made, and it is not clear at this stage how Noah will respond.  This is being watched carefully and with bated breath by all the rest of Noah's family, by all of his young friends, the family next door, the rest of the street, other customers in the post office and (as usual, because they are - as ever - desperately short of things to report on) the local press. 

Meanwhile, Noah's parents have praised Angela and expressed their 'full confidence' in her as an aunt to Noah.

Bidding war erupts for Boris Johnson’s memoirs to be kept under wraps

A bidding war between publishers, media companies and Tory donors to keep Boris Johnson’s memoirs under wraps has begun, and the asking price is sky rocketing.

Boris has already drafted seven volumes of the series, provisionally titled The Truth Never Lies, during quiet moments at Number 10. He is reported to have ghost writers working towards a full twenty volume box set. The memoirs will reveal Boris’s innermost thoughts, if any, during a series of astonishing scandals and crises that rocked the nation. Aides say that the memoirs will reveal the absolute, real and properly evidenced truth about everything - without embellishment, self-aggrandisement, or accuracy.

The involvement of US based streaming services has pushed up the price for the rights. One company said that audiences for a dramatisation could outstrip those for The Crown and quipped that the series could be called The Clown. Channel 4 has announced that it is withdrawing from the race, noting, ironically, that they can’t even afford to find out how they got shafted.

At this stage, it seems likely that a cabal of Tory donors will outbid all of the publishing houses and media companies. They have tabled an eight figure bid (ten figures if you include the pence), reasoning that this is a small price to pay to avoid a long series of painful revelations as each new volume is published. One said that although it was tempting to use the money to just bribe the voters, it was clearly more effective to buy the rights, bury the memoirs forever, and stop the whole idiotic charade from coming to light.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lukasbieri-4664461/

First published 8 July 2022

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