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Reform UK becomes KU Mrofer to wipe slate clean

Writer: Jeremynh
Jeremynh
4 days ago

Reform UK was only founded eight years ago,' said a rants-man for the former party, 'but it became so overwhelmed by allegations of sleaze and racism that we have shut it down and started up the all-new, squeaky clean KU Mrofer.


'It sounds a bit suspiciously foreign and exotic, 'KU Mrofer', but we swear it's as exotic as a full English breakfast and a Rothmans afterwards.


'And our leader, who never appears in the Commons any more because they keep swiping his prayer card, has stepped down in favour of an all-new leering charlatan called Legin Eragaf.


'Just let them try pinning anything on Legin in a Parliamentary Standards Committee hearing. We just invented him, so he's as pure as the driven snow. 'But if anyone feels like loading some crypto-currency into the Legin Eragaf account, for whatever reason, I'm sure he wouldn't refuse it.'

Harborne and Delo - Newsbiscuit will say this only once

Writer: Throngsman
Throngsman
Sep 14

We see what you are doing - trying to buy the likes of Nigel Farage and other yesterday people.  Well, for the last time, Newsbiscuit isn't up for sale.  Not for £1 million, £5 million and definitely not for £36 million.


And you can forget about wads of cash in plain brown paper envelopes - what do you take us for?  County

councillors?


Newsbiscuit, for hopefully the last time, isn't up for sale.  Rent, sure. A long lease with an open chequebook, probably.  But don't confuse us with the likes of Farage.  We have principles.  They might be well hidden, but that's another story. 



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MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Writer: Filthy Rich
Filthy Rich
Jul 1


Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'.


Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hampshire Dry Humpers, during the week one may use parliamentary privilege to force a liaison on Monday, moving onto casual drink-spiking on Tuesday, but non-consensual groping is improper before Thursday. Wednesday should be limited to lewd texting of one’s Honourable Member, while Friday is traditionally persistent recreational upskirting and frottage on the commute home to one’s constituency.’


‘Obviously pretty much anything is permitted on Saturday and Sunday,’ Stephen “check out THIS red box!” Crabb, did not add a little too enthusiastically. ‘But - and I cannot stress this enough - only if the parliamentary offices and equipment regularly used for such are wiped clean of lube, xylazine, and Banana Nesquik. They tend to clog up the photocopiers, and it's clear staffers are down on their knees enough as it is. Incest and bestiality should really be confined to deeply rural constituencies, where it’s pretty much de rigueur.’


Asked whether Pincher, who managed to climb back up the greasy pole - allegedly multiple times according to fellow “Late Voting Nite” revellers - after facing serious sexual misconduct allegations in 2017, should fall on his own sword, Damian “quick, close the browser” Green looked shocked and definitely didn't say: ‘If he retains the lower back flexibility to do that at his age, I’d be surprised, impressed, and deeply envious.’



First published 1 Jul 2022


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