Harborne and Delo - Newsbiscuit will say this only once

We see what you are doing - trying to buy the likes of Nigel Farage and other yesterday people.  Well, for the last time, Newsbiscuit isn't up for sale.  Not for £1 million, £5 million and definitely not for £36 million.

And you can forget about wads of cash in plain brown paper envelopes - what do you take us for?  County

councillors?

Newsbiscuit, for hopefully the last time, isn't up for sale.  Rent, sure. A long lease with an open chequebook, probably.  But don't confuse us with the likes of Farage.  We have principles.  They might be well hidden, but that's another story. 

photo: File:Bitcoin BTC golden coin with the symbol.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

MP’s only wrongdoing was ‘groping on weeknight reserved for leering and coercive texting’

Guardians of Tory Propriety and Masters of Ceremonial Sleaze, including Mark Garnier, Stephen Crabb and Damian Green, have not at all downplayed Christopher Pincher’s drunken groping of two men on Wednesday night as a 'minor infraction of social intercourse etiquette'.

Garnier, also known as Mixmaster Sugartits, did not in any way confirm: ‘As laid down in the 'Party? PartAAAY!' constitution by Sir Craigwell Davidston, 3rd Viscount of Southampton and whipper-in with the Hampshire Dry Humpers, during the week one may use parliamentary privilege to force a liaison on Monday, moving onto casual drink-spiking on Tuesday, but non-consensual groping is improper before Thursday. Wednesday should be limited to lewd texting of one’s Honourable Member, while Friday is traditionally persistent recreational upskirting and frottage on the commute home to one’s constituency.’

‘Obviously pretty much anything is permitted on Saturday and Sunday,’ Stephen “check out THIS red box!” Crabb, did not add a little too enthusiastically. ‘But - and I cannot stress this enough - only if the parliamentary offices and equipment regularly used for such are wiped clean of lube, xylazine, and Banana Nesquik. They tend to clog up the photocopiers, and it's clear staffers are down on their knees enough as it is. Incest and bestiality should really be confined to deeply rural constituencies, where it’s pretty much de rigueur.’

Asked whether Pincher, who managed to climb back up the greasy pole - allegedly multiple times according to fellow “Late Voting Nite” revellers - after facing serious sexual misconduct allegations in 2017, should fall on his own sword, Damian “quick, close the browser” Green looked shocked and definitely didn't say: ‘If he retains the lower back flexibility to do that at his age, I’d be surprised, impressed, and deeply envious.’

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 1 Jul 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins

Starmer brings back paganism with civil service sacrifices

The Prime Minister is to reintroduce 2,000 year-old pagan religion to Britain and has already started by making the first human sacrifice.

Prime Druid Sir Keir Starmer performed the Celtic-style ritual at the Despatch Box in the Commons on a pleasantly boring civil servant called Sir Olly Robbins.

Starmer wished to appease the gods, having suffered terrible misfortunes after appointing Lord Mandelson as UK ambassador.

"Those gods must have really had it in for High Priest Starmer," said one backbench druid, "because out of the blue they produced this huge file of evidence showing that Mandelson was appalling and that Starmer was an utter twit for giving him another public role."

It's rumoured that several other civil servants have been lined up for the chop and that the sacrifices will continue until Sir Keir has managed to shift the blame for the Mandelson fiasco onto someone else apart from his stupid self.