What the papers say

Drawing a line under things and moving on

PM Boris Johnson – proof that you can achieve anything if you’re rich, white and male enough – has inspired others to draw lines under things and move on.

Shelley Stevenson told partner Youssef Younis ‘Sorry babes, I’ve been shagging your brother, now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’ A heartbroken Younis choked back tears as he replied ‘Well, in fairness I have gambled away our savings, car and house. Now let’s draw a line under this and move on.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst noted ‘Boris has been drawing a line under things and moving on – jobs, wives, children, responsibilities – his whole life. The important thing to realise is that there are no consequences for him. Shelley and Youssef on the other hand are fucked.’

image from pixabay

A wet owl never flies at night

Fellow freedom-fighters!

Newsbiscuit can exclusively reveal that the Queen has not – as reported – “been feeling a bit cream crackered after all that palaver”.

She has in fact been forcibly removed from Buck House and spirited away to a secret underground bunker known only as Windsor Castle.

This is the so-called Prime Minister’s plan to distract attention from a vote of no-confidence. He actually intents to establish a 1000-children (all his) Reich and declare himself President for life. And he intends to replace our beloved monarch with a non-sweating glove puppet – Andrew I.

Assisting him in this endeavour are his fellow capitalist fascist running dog hyena lackeys.

We must do all we can to frustrate this overthrowing of democracy. Keep your ears carefully tuned to Radio Free Shanklin. When you hear the coded message ‘a wet owl never flies at night’ rise up and overthrow the oppressors.

In the meantime you can prepare by undertaking activities guaranteed to undermine the pampered toff clique. These include:-

Writing a stiff tut-tutting letter to your MP. Quite important if he / she is a Conservative. The no-confidence vote is today so send it first class!

Expressing your contempt for Government fake news propaganda by lining the floor of your budgie’s cage with copies of the Daily Mail.

Chalking the liberation initials NB on flat services such as walls, pavements, Dominic Raab’s charisma etc. Of course ask official permission before doing so.

Vive La Resistance!

Viva La Newsbiscuit!!

God Save the Queen!!!

image from pixabay