Following the revelation that Kemi Badenoch "won't touch moist bread", bakers and garden centres have reported a surge in demand for a) bread and b) water sprays.
Ron Jenkins** of Clacton, speaking from behind a wall of Warburtons with a sprinkler system rigged over it, voiced the country's concerns. "If I'd known it was this simple to keep her away, I'd have done this years ago. I'm getting a few dozen loaves delivered each day now so I rarely have to risk going out. Unfortunately, I do have to visit the doctors after suggesting to Mrs Jenkins that I gave her baps a rub down with a damp flannel."
**Mr Jenkins is from 1976.
Biblical scholars have long debated the plausibility of Jesus feeding five thousand followers using only five loaves and two fish.
Jenny MacArthur is a biblical nutritionist. She had a really weird careers teacher. 'Even if those fish were massive it seems unlikely', she told reporters. 'This could be huge! If that story isn't true - what else might be wrong?'
The Vatican is undaunted.
'Jenny MacArthur smells', a spokesman told us. 'Besides, maybe Our Lord used pasta instead of loaves. One packet of pasta generally produces enough to feed a thousand people. We've all done it. You're eating pasta for ages because you misjudged it. Or rice. Nobody has ever attempted five packets of rice but it would probably feed the EU for a week.'
According to St Mark's gospel the leftovers were actually more than the food they started off with, which would suggest rice. The debate will probably rumble on for ages until everybody stops caring, or some doubting Thomas starts questioning the viability of healing leprosy with reiki.