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6 bullsh*t reasons for dumping sewage in the sea



You might be struggling to understand why water companies regularly spurt out tonnes of our faecal matter into rivers and the sea. Perhaps you’re worried it might be a bit unhealthy, or that these big businesses are putting profits before a healthy water ecosystem?


Luckily Sir Henry McStopcock, a water company boss is here to provide some reassurance with the top 6 reasons why they simply have to dump their dumps:


1. Too much rain - Britain is known as having quite a dry, humid climate so when it does rain a lot, our little old Victorian sewage system simply can’t cope. For us water companies there is nothing we can do but watch in despair as a frothy mixture of your logs and used sanitary towels make their way into the English Channel.


2. too little rain - Britain is getting hotter and hotter due to climate change and this can result in cracks in pipes in the decrepit old Victorian sewer system that us water companies have sadly inherited, and tried our damnedest to maintain. And when it does rain again, well, as I’ve just clearly explained to you, this is just too much, resulting in a few thousand extra ‘brown trouts’ in the River Avon.


3. Combined Sewer Overflow events - this is a fancy name for us dumping sewage into the sea., so I’m well within my rights to call these ‘a reason’, aren’t I? You’ve probably heard about them as Feargal Sharkey has been a huge pain in the ass campaigning about these - he’s like a floater in our social responsibility whitewashing toilet that just won’t flush away. As he sung in his most famous hit about sewage discharge: ‘A big turd, these days, ain’t hard to find ( a big turd). Huge logs, the lasting kind’.


4. Lorry driver crisis - us water companies have suffered more than any other sector as a result of worker shortages. Without effluent we can’t purify water. Would you prefer dirty water in your domestic water system, or human waste floating around the beaches and rivers you swim in? Neither, you say? Sorry, that’s not an option at the moment. The shit really is hitting the Fens.


5. Fatbergs - You dirty bastards chuck all sorts down your sinks and toilets and expect us poor water companies to deal with it . Did I mention the Victorian sewer and pipe system that we’ve had no time to invest in and develop? You all need to clean up your act.


6. Shareholder dividends - this definitely isn’t a reason why we haven’t invested enough in upgrading infrastructure over many years and why sewage is increasingly being spewed out into seas. What a load of crap.



First published 22 Aug 2022



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‘Monkeypox a Brexit dividend’ insists Rees-Mogg



Brexit minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the outbreak of monkeypox here in the UK saying it is clearly a Brexit dividend and should be seen as a triumph and not something to be concerned about.


‘The joy of having monkeypox is that you need to isolate for up to 21 days….which means the chances of contracting Covid are massively reduced. It's a win-win situation for all Brexit loving Brits. The spread of monkeypox would not have happened had we still been in the EU and we would not have been able to benefit from it as we are today’ said the Somerset MP. 'It also means there is another huge demand for expensive PPE….and we all know what that means.'


'The risk of infection is not great at the moment but with the NHS struggling to meet demand for even the most routine of appointments it is sure to explode soon', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Infections are highest amongst sexually active people like sex workers, drug users, promiscuous sex addicts, multiple sex partners, swingers and Tory MPs….so most of you will be fine for now.'


'But that is about to change. As Minister for Brexit Opportunities I can see the potential for massive potenital for anybody with the right connections', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Anybody needing PPE should contact one of our providers…..like one of the off-shore companies I manage or trade shares in.'


'Would you like my cousins phone number....tell him Jake sent you'.


First published 24 May 2022



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P&O ‘taking back control’ is a Brexit dividend insists government


The sacking of over 800 workers by P&O shows that Brexit is now working for UK employees said a government spokesman .


He told reporters: 'If we had still been part of the EU the Dubai owners would not have been able to lay off hundreds of UK workers overnight and replace them with cheap agency staff from overseas.


He went on to add: 'Being free to sack UK workers at a moments notice should be seen as a Brexit dividend by P&O employees who now find themselves able to explore alternative avenues of employment that they not otherwise have considered…..or thrown on the scrap heap as some people might see it.'


Sources close to the Minister have criticised distraught P&O crew members as being doom-merchants and opportunity deniers.


Tory ministers have criticised Unions for getting involved in the dispute saying it was a return to the 1970’s when all union officials ever did was stick up for the rights and welfare of UK workers.


‘We do not want a return to those dark days when union members immediately turned to their Unions for help and protection from employers. Brexit has freed us from harmful things like employees rights, health and safety regulations and the right to protest.'


When asked what happened to the millions of pounds of British taxpayers money received by the Dubai based company during lockdown does not help the situation the spokesman commented.


'After all the necessary checks and balances it was clear to everybody that P&O was not a viable company…. which is why we gave it £150m to help them with the sacking of the crew. But without Brexit that sort of thing would not have been allowed to happen. It’s ‘taking back control’….aftervall, it’s what UK workers voted for.



First published 19 Mar 2022



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