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UK shocked to learn Walliams is under suspicion

Writer: Throngsman
Throngsman
2 hours ago

With the lifting of the injunction, the UK now knows it doesn't have to speculate about who is under suspicion.


'I never expected it to be the celebrity with all the ghost written books,' said Sam (46).  His friends asked him to narrow down the list.


'I said to my wife, Cindy, it was the creepy one off Britain's Got Talent,' said Graham (38).  Cindy asked, 'which one?'


Harry is certain he knew who to suspect long before the injunction was lifted.  'It was the unfunny one from Little Britain,' he said.  We're still not much wiser.


We assume it will remain  mystery.




Vladamira wins 'Russia's Got Talent' without performing

cerebrovore
Oct 7

By D. Fenestrate, Music Correspondent and Bolshevik lackey


MOSCOW - Russia has a brand new singing star this morning after Vladamira won the final of Russia’s Got Talent, despite nobody involved in the production having seen her.


The notoriously camera-shy Vladamira delivered a powerful, emotionally charged performance of “You Can Hear Me, Surely?” to a panel of judges who were prevented from hearing her by a completely accidental gas leak. The audience members all said that it was the best song that they have ever heard, despite not being in the room.


The sound desk also failed after its operator was found to have pro-anarchist tendencies. Viewers at home described the performance as ‘silent but powerful’, saying that she deserved to win for the sake of their families.


Her closest competitor, an unnamed Ukrainian singer, had been a favourite with a moving rendition of “Bring Me Home” (To Mother Russia). Sadly, she was unable to complete her performance due to a tragic accident involving a crowbar, a piano stool and a chandelier - none of which were in the room when she entered.


Other competitors who have had very routine accidents have sent their best wishes to Vladamira, saying that they would have never entered the competition if they knew then what they know now.


The Kremlin’s Cultural Envoy has described Vladamira as 'a unifying figure for all Russians who enjoy continuing to sing.' He added, 'Her victory proves that, in Russia, talent will always rise to the top as long as there are not any misplaced windows.'


Meanwhile, the plucky Ukrainian singer’s rendition has been viewed 14 million times, despite never being uploaded. It is being dubbed 'the performance of a lifetime - all four minutes of it.'


Vladamira denies that she is related to the president, despite sharing his surname. She will now represent Russia at Eurovision, where Israel will come in second.




Image credit: Kremlin.ru, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Image cropped for publication.



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Everything is a bit like Jesus, confirms parish priest

Writer: ChrisF
ChrisF
Apr 16, 2025


Your local parish priest reckons absolutely everything happening in the world is rich pickings for an analogy to Jesus and His work, it has been confirmed.


In recent weeks, Father Michael O’Brien, 53, has used the war in Ukraine, the Final of the Apprentice, the World Snooker Championships and two magpies sat on a tree in his garden as fodder for his sermons, with stretched metaphors to God leaving his congregation looking increasingly perplexed.


‘I watched the Man City v Liverpool game last Sunday with anticipation and foreboding’ noted O’Brien, in his latest missive from the pulpit. ‘Like our Lord, both teams were striving to ‘be their best’, but doubting themselves. Pep Guardiola was no doubt swearing at the players at half time and overturning the tables in his ‘temple just like Jesus did when he was a young man. And wasn’t it just like our Saviour’s attempt to reach out to his disciples when the Liverpool goalie literally reached out to tip that shot over the bar?’


O’Brien has already penned the next few weeks’ sermons for his congregation, finding God somewhere in the council elections, the Queen’s jubilee and the first round of Britain’s Got Talent.


‘Even this crappy little satirical piece you’ve written mocking my sermons is a bit like Jesus, isn’t it?’, said O’Brien earnestly. ‘The second flabby paragraph with no real gags is like Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. And then there’s a sort of joke and hidden message here where I’m mocking myself - not unlike Jesus mocking himself in the garden of Gethsemane’. ‘


Will there be a fantastic end - similar to the second coming of Jesus - with a pithy killer punchline?’, said O Brien. ‘Ah, sadly, it seems not’.




First published 16 April 2022



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