Britain Withdraws From Isle of Wight

Driven out by the Telly Ban, geriatric fundamentalists who 'Don't hold with them funny modern things like leccertricity and other sinister witchcraft', British armed forces were defeated after suffering many years catastrophic losses as servicemen were, for the most part, hideously bored to death.

Just months after the last occupying forces were slowly ferried ashore to the mainland, the Telly Ban swept - well, slowly ambled and shuffled - into power, and before long were filling post office queues (both of them) across the length and breadth of the island.

'We knew they wouldn't last' said one resident. 'They only been here since - when was it Mrs Taylor lost her cat? - can only be a few hundred years ago. Bringing complicated things like clocks, mysterious magic things like wireless sets and dangerous machines like bicycles. And their fancy ways, like educating girls, and boys, and even teaching them to read and write. We'll soon put a stop to all that nonsense.'

Hat-tip ArthurPyke

photo: obsidianphotography @ Pixabay

UN to insist Channel Islands are British

The UN’s maritime law tribunal has ruled that Mauritius has no sovereignty over the Channel Islands and criticised Mauritius for its failure to hand the territory back to the UK. This confirms an International Court of Justice ruling and UN General Assembly vote.

The Channel Islands include a variety of tax havens, although not a US military base. Mauritius has said it will return the islands when they're no longer needed for financial skulduggery and tax avoidance. In a weirdly petty development, Channel Island postal stamps are to be banned, although British courts will still use rubber stamps to approve the wishes of the bankers who own them.

A small and isolated island nation, largely dependent on tourist income, the UK is led by electrocuted scarecrow Boris Johnson. Britain is also famous for its beaches which are covered in exotic shell companies.

Captains Ahab, Birdseye, Blackbeard and Pugwash issued a rare joint statement, dismissive of the UN ruling, saying 'Shiver me timbers, if a cutlass, an aircraft carrier and a centre for offshore finance can be beaten by the rule of law, where can a pirate go? Apart from the British Virgin Islands that is. Nowhere near Britain and nowhere near virgins. Arrr.'

[big hat tip to Sir Lupus]

Image by jorono from Pixabay

Government insists all children hum the tune The Dam Busters

On the 25th of June, the government has issued a dictate that all children sing 'Strong Britain, Great nation, No irony’ but to a medley of nationalistic tunes; including the tune from ‘Antiques Roadshow’, ‘Coronation Street’ and the sound of a deflating space hopper. Drawing influences from Grime (Darren Grimes that is), this stirring song will crescendo with Vera Lynn singing the theme music from the 70s TV show 'Minder'

Teachers will be expected to use a state approved lesson about Britain's colonial past, which conveniently forgets to mention we had one. In a stirring playground ceremony, children will salute the Union Jack and then promptly declare ownership of the school, while enslaving half their classmates.

In a haunting madrigal, children as young as five will re-enact the UK's proudest movements, from the 1966 World Cup to Del Boy falling through the cocktail bar. These will be accompanied by a marching band playing The Prodigy's ‘Firestarter’ and ‘Remember you're a Womble'.

A spokeswoman for North Korea was critical of Boris Johnson's crude propaganda tool: 'At least our glorious leader has a plausible haircut'. Despite UK ministers insisted: 'Small children singing patriotic songs, what's not to like? It worked for Hitler’.