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Queen renamed to end confusion


With social media once again confused at Buckingham Palace's reports of the Queen's health, news organisations have agreed with the royal household to use updated terminology to stop people confusing Camilla for Elizabeth II.


'This is why we initially wanted to call Camilla the Queen Consort,' said Emily Double-barrelled, Royal Correspondent for the Daily Express. 'Sadly, that got vetoed and it left us at a bit of a loss. The crown also rejected our other suggestions of 'The Queen, no not that one', 'The King's Second Wife', or the slightly too long 'The Queen, but it should have been Diana, she's the real queen of hearts.'


In a statement, The King's private secretary gave clarification on the new acceptable nomenclature, telling us, 'We understand the confusion and that, after 70 years of Queen Elizabeth as monarch, old habits - much like her - die hard. Looking back on recent history, we had Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, and Mary as Dowager Queen. With those in mind, and following discussions with their Majesties, I'm pleased to announce that henceforth - due to the way she came to her title - Queen Camilla is to be known as The Queen's Gambit.'


Image credit: Wix AI

Balmoral estate not planning to use planning permissions to plan weddings




The King's Balmoral estate has said it has no plans to allow wedding planners to plan weddings despite submitting plans to expand events in one of its buildings.


An application has been lodged to revamp the planetarium - in plain sight of the main Royal castle - to allow it to host up to 277 guests, plan live performances and music and serve alcohol up to 00:30.


Balmoral has been the Royal Family's Scottish holiday home since the 19th Century, and was where the late Queen Elizabeth spent her final days.


Various outlets, including BBC News, had suggested it could lead to plans for couples to plan to get married on the site. But the Royal estate confirmed later that despite the plan to get planning, there is no plan to plan weddings.


Photo by martin bennie on Unsplash

Nicholas Witchell to leave the Royal Anus



Finally retiring from full-time forelock tugging, Mr Witchell will be hosed down and put out to pasture. For 25 years he has been lodged in the monarch's sphincter, with only a solitary piece of sweetcorn to keep him company.


Being wedged in the royal arse has often been a mutual discomfort. The Queen was particularly aggrieved when Witchell forgot to cut his nails for a week - described as her anus horribilis.


The queue to replace him is substantial, given that the price of property is so high in central London. The anus is described by estate agents as having a unique view of the Royal bowel and inbuilt bathroom facilities. Technically it's self catering but in reality the new occupant will need to swallow everything it is given. Even the stuff about Prince Andrew not sweating.




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