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Nicholas Witchell to leave the Royal Anus

Finally retiring from full-time forelock tugging, Mr Witchell will be hosed down and put out to pasture. For 25 years he has been lodged in the monarch's sphincter, with only a solitary piece of sweetcorn to keep him company.

Being wedged in the royal arse has often been a mutual discomfort. The Queen was particularly aggrieved when Witchell forgot to cut his nails for a week - described as her anus horribilis.

The queue to replace him is substantial, given that the price of property is so high in central London. The anus is described by estate agents as having a unique view of the Royal bowel and inbuilt bathroom facilities. Technically it's self catering but in reality the new occupant will need to swallow everything it is given. Even the stuff about Prince Andrew not sweating.

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