Nicholas Witchell to leave the Royal Anus

Finally retiring from full-time forelock tugging, Mr Witchell will be hosed down and put out to pasture. For 25 years he has been lodged in the monarch's sphincter, with only a solitary piece of sweetcorn to keep him company.

Being wedged in the royal arse has often been a mutual discomfort. The Queen was particularly aggrieved when Witchell forgot to cut his nails for a week - described as her anus horribilis.

The queue to replace him is substantial, given that the price of property is so high in central London. The anus is described by estate agents as having a unique view of the Royal bowel and inbuilt bathroom facilities. Technically it's self catering but in reality the new occupant will need to swallow everything it is given. Even the stuff about Prince Andrew not sweating.

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Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C

Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling.

'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of them as a "flat on their bellies lapping out of the Serpentine" sort of family.'

'It didn't occur to me, either, mused Marvin Welles from Bath. 'I mean, it wasn't that I thought chlorine might cause harm to lizards, it's just that I never thought of Her Majesty doing lengths. Or Charles bombing. Something about them always suggested they wouldn't float too well. I also hadn't considered Buck Pal-on-the-Mall having a gym; it's more an indoor archery longroom sort of place. Maybe a heads of state trophy room. But what would they have done with the bodies? A torsos of state skittle alley?'

Fiona Williams from Wrexham added, 'In my mind, it's lavish room after lavish room of glorious ancestral portraits, and national treasures "voluntarily" gifted from former countries of the Empire. There just wouldn't be the space, even for a paddling pool. Especially after the Nicholas Witchell (Sex) Dungeon of Torture was installed.

Mary Andrews from Falkirk offered, 'I can imagine a royal swimming pool filled with liquid gold. That would need some heating. King Charles might've realised that could be turned down a degree or two.'

H/T Lockjaw

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Harry calls on supporters to storm royal palaces

Following the examples of Donald Trump and Jair Bolsonaro, the Duke of Sussex, who claims that his place in the Royal family 'has been stolen from him', has persuaded all his supporters to storm Britain's royal palaces in protest, and to help him regain his place within Britain's ruling elite.

The head of Britain's security, however, issued a statement assuring the public that there was nothing to fear and all necessary precautions had been taken, with thousands of police and other officials being told they could take the week-end off. 'As we expected' he said, gesturing towards the deserted road outside Buckingham Palace 'it's clear that all those who sympathise with Harry have flocked here to show their support.'

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