In a brief official notice, cable-tied to the palace gates and laminated against a light drizzle, Buckingham Palace confirmed the creation of a new ceremonial fixture: Trooping the Suspect.
A palace spokesperson clarified its historic significance.
“This marks the first royal suspect processed with full pageantry since Charles I was arrested by parliamentary forces,” they explained. “The principal difference being that, this time, Andrew Mountbatten-Cell Block H has been arrested by police forces."
Plans reportedly include a precision fly-past of discreetly tinted private jets, a 36-gun middle-finger salute, and commemorative merchandise ranging from souvenir solid-gold handcuffs to a commemorative limited-edition ‘Keep Calm and Await Charge Sheet’ tea towel.
The Household Cavalry are rehearsing a new drill formation spelling out “No Comment”, and street parties are encouraged, though attendees are advised to bring their own awkward silences.
The spokesperson also confirmed that further ceremonial elements, such as a public execution to boost tourism, will depend on “how things develop legally”.
Number 10's apology to Buckingham Palace last week has sparked a number of copycat incidents with more buildings now seemingly wanting to make amends for previous transgressions between one another.
A leading expert in building conflict resolution commented: 'It seems there is a lot of repressed sorrow and regret between many buildings and last week's very public apology has set things in train. So far we know of one semidetached bungalow in Carshalton that has taken out an ad in the local paper apologising to the town hall for its jibes on Twitter about the town hall's unkempt toilet facilities.'
And NewsBiscuit understands French and British diplomats are on alert, with rumours rife regarding the possibility of a high-profile controversial apology being issued between Blackpool and Eiffel Towers over longstanding accusations of blatant plagiarism.
First published 19 Jan 2022
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