Guide to the budget measures you may have missed

After the budget, and all the usual furore around it, we have noticed quite a few things that may have gone under the radar:

Tax relief on all falcons and falconry related purchases

Increased "right to privacy" laws for those ennobled whilst hiring mistresses, dominatrices, fetishists, rent people, milk maids and humiliation specialists.

Reduced duties for those with 3 or more houses with turrets and / or tessellations

Nepotistic apprenticeship schemes for the next generation of spice traders, port importers, sugar barons and plantation owners.

Removal of duties for boats and yacht with own helicopter pads.

Levy on purchases of all tracksuits and hoodies.

Eton and Harrow to receive special £500 million grant to develop the next generation of "traditional values leaders"

Foie Gras import ban removed and protected status introduced

New King's award for innovation in blaming foreigners for things

Image: stevepb - Pixabay

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Bankers Bonus Cap now top selling Halloween Costume

Remember that time in 2022, when Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng decided to let market forces run wild, only to be immediately removed from office by those self-same forces? Some Trussonomics that Rishi Sunak does fully endorse is limitless pay rises for bankers, which kicks in this Halloween. To be fair to Sunak, it is spookily difficult to work out how to pay for more than a million children to experience not just poverty, but destitution.

A Bankers Bonus Cap could even top off your Halloween outfit.

Shelley Stevenson said 'I tried to wear a Banker’s Bonus Cap as part of a "sexy Liz Truss" outfit, but unfortunately my head immediately span round 720 degrees, I began chanting in ancient Aramaic and projectile vomiting. Evil spirits began circling the pentagram I drew in my own blood. It definitely changes the vibe of a party.'

Photo by Szabó János on Unsplash

OBR to focus on hypothetical Government spending

The Office of Budgetary Responsibility is to be renamed the Office of Hypothetical Spending and will devote 100% of its time to costing up Opposition spending plans.

‘It’s all very well saying how you’re going to improve the nation’, a Government spokesman said ‘but where will the money come from? Hmm? Answer me that if you’re so clever’.

Labour politicians have denied being ‘clever’ – an insult so potent in Westminster that it’s considered unparliamentary language – but point out that improving the nation used to form part of a government’s job description.

Some Tories have pointed out that they might be the Opposition quite soon, so the change could be an own goal, but Rishi Sunak has a Cunning Plan. ‘The new OHS needs an inspirational CEO, somebody who will tirelessly ask Labour where the money is coming from, and that is why I have decided to appoint Fiona Bruce to the role. She can carry on chairing Question Time, we don’t want that awful Victoria Derbyshire taking over’.

Image: Pixabay/6689062