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Lies about the budget were within government's set limits for duplicity, says Reeves

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"Kemi is saying I lied to the public in the run-up to the Budget, softening them up for tax rises they didn't really need to pay," whimpered Rachel Reeves, wiping a customary tear from her eye.


"But my lie was well within the limits for day-to-day deception that this government has set itself," continued Honest Rach.


"For example, I said on my CV that I had worked for 10 years as an economist at the Halifax, when I actually worked in their complaints department.


"This year's lie wasn't half as false as that one so, in real terms, I'm getting more honest.


"My golden rule is not to mislead the public any more than is strictly necessary to ensure our political survival.


"I had to persuade you I had to raise taxes because I needed to get the money in to remove the child benefit cap. I didn't tell you the last bit.


"But I had to remove the cap to mollify all those left-wing backbenchers who wanted me and Keir out. f that had happened, you'd have had some quasi-communist like John McDonnell as chancellor, and Diane Abbott as PM.


"Is that what you want? Because that's what you'll be getting unless you're prepared to swallow one or two tiny little fibs from me."



Broad-shouldered community condemns Budget tax rises

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People with broad shoulders across the UK has expressed outrage at Rachel Reeves budget yesterday, claiming they are unfairly being expected to carry the brunt of tax rises on their admittedly impressive deltoids. 


'The Chancellor says those with the broadest shoulders should bear the biggest burden of tax rises', noted Mick (22-inch shoulder width) towelling himself down during a 30 minute weightlifting workout at the Muscle and Bustle gym in Croydon. 'I'm now facing punitive marginal tax rates of 70% and what..I'm just expected to take it on my granite chin?' 


Over 500 mesomorphs, including Daniel Craig, Ben Shepherd, Thor, Hercules, Wreck-it-Ralph, every Gladiator from the TV show,  and the family of Geoff Capes have signed a letter published in the Guardian today, complaining about overt discrimination in the measures announced in the budget.


'We are just your average bodybuilders, firefighters, A-list male action movie actors, front-row rugby players, or Olympic swimmers', said the sultry, muscular male model from the 1980s black and white Athena poster where he is holding a baby with no top on.


'Our worry is that this is just the thin end of the wedge. Who's going to be the losers in Reeves next budget - the barrel-chested? Strapping hulks? Bullnecks? Or anyone who's a bit stocky or thick-set? 


In contrast, narrow shouldered ectomorphs have welcomed the measures. Michael McBride, 19, with a shoulder width of just 14 inches said timidly it was good to get some benefit from the budget, and it would certainly ease the pain of years of relentless bullying he'd experienced for many years at school as he emerged from chess club at the end of lunch break.




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