Budget offers help with blunt pencils

John Healey's first budget offers a significant new measure to help people with blunt pencils.

A new service will offer the use of government pencil sharpeners at libraries, leisure centres and council officers. Residents will be able to book a slot to bring in blunt or broken pencils and get them sharpened.

'This is a significant step in solving pencil poverty,' said a government cheerleader. 'Now citizens will be able to use their newly sharpened pencils to lobby their politicians, complain to utility companies, and write their placards.

'Just as soon as we've figured out how to end paper poverty.'

Image: sweetlouise - Pixabay

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Vampire budget protest

Vampires will picket Downing Street in a protest about the budget measures.

'We will picket from dusk till dawn,' said a spokesman. 'Unless Michael Howard turns up. Also not on Saturday or Sunday - that's a Vampire Weekend.

'Cutting tariffs on marmalade is fine and cutting tariffs on gherkins is funny, but reducing tariffs on garlic will cost lives. This could be a bigger disaster than the infected blood scandal.

'From one group of blood suckers to another, we implore the Chancellor to impose big, beautiful tariffs on crucifixes, wooden stakes and garlic.

Image: WixAI