Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.
The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.
Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers. Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.
‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.
‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere. It's all around you. Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do. If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.
‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.
Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment.
Image credit: perchance AI
The Chancellor's Growth Plan has been dramatically leaked from No. 11 Downing Street. The police have been brought in and are interviewing staff in a search for the source of the leak.
As revealed by a red top newspaper that we have decided not to name, The Growth Plan seems to be a sheet of lined paper ripped from a Poundland exercise book. At the top, the words 'My World Class Growth Plan' are written in crayon and heavily underlined. There is a doodle of a spider and a spider's web, and another doodle of a heart with an arrow in it and the legend RR+KS. But the page is otherwise completely blank.
The government says that the claim that the Growth Plan is a blank sheet of paper is demonstrably false, and spread by neo-right-wing bad actors, amplified by social media hacktivists. The government has not denied that the document is authentic.
The government has yet to deliver any growth. Businesses are cutting staff, millionaires are leaving Britain, and high street stores are closing branches. Government borrowing continues to rise, and the IMF says it isn't upset with the UK, just very, very disappointed. So having a growth plan would seem to be quite important.
The government says that growth is all about confidence. The growth plan isn't a blank sheet. The plan is written in invisible ink to fool the paparazzi. The growth plan is real and good and very visible and easy to read if you iron the page. The plan says that inflation and rising costs and tariffs and recession and stagflation and poorly educated, and sick workers need not reduce business activity. The plan shows that Britain can look forward to a rose-tinted future that is every bit as good as its rose-tinted past.
'It's all about creative destruction,' said a spokesman. 'In order to build a prosperous new economy, we have to clear out the old, failing businesses first. We must get rid of the pound shops, and charity shops, and betting shops, and tattoo parlours, and scrap metal dealers, and bogus language schools, and crappy coffee shops, and dodgy barber shops, and convenience stores that are only used for money laundering.
'Then we have cleared the way for the high-tech electronics companies, the internet start-ups, the knowledge intensive businesses, the AI enabled lobbying companies, and the gigafactories, because they all sound really good. These new businesses will deliver the growth, and they will make big profits, and they will pay lots of tax to the UK government. And they definitely won't transfer profits offshore, or game the system, or decide to relocate overseas. That's the plan, anyway.