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In a surprise announcement on Tuesday afternoon, Sir Keir Starmer announced a defence budget increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2027. Critics have argued, however, that even with this increase Britain’s armed forces are still woefully inadequate.


Sir Keir commenting on the criticism said, “I know some people have said the increase in the defence budget is not going to be enough but let me tell you, I would like to see the look on Putin’s soldiers faces when they see our armed forces coming at them armed with a sharp stick that could have someone’s eye out, a strongly worded lawyers letter, or a bold stare.”


He went on “The US might have the defence budget to create genetically modified elite soldiers, but we will have enough money to genetically resurrect Clive Dunn. Just think, if Russian armour pours into a Ukraine they will have to contend with Jones’s butcher’s van. I know which side I’d rather be on.”


image from pixabay



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The Chancellor gave her much heralded speech on the economy this week. The speech majored on how to create growth, and it covered airport runways, relocating Silicon Valley to Bedfordshire, digging a new hole under the Thames, buggering up the environment to boost the economy, and so on.


None of these things is expected to fix the economy anytime soon.


A photographer with a powerful zoom lens noticed that Rachel Reeves’ glossy fingernails were decorated with tiny letters that spelled out the word ‘doomed’ and that when she blinked, her eyelids appeared to have the message ‘help me’ written on them.   Although when she winks, the message is either ‘help, help, help’ or ‘me, me, me’.  So the precise meaning is somewhat unclear.


Media minders and members of the security services whisked the Chancellor away at the end of her speech, with no time for questions about inflation, stagflation, recession, trade tariffs, potholes, dog mess or winter fuel payments.  And certainly no time for answers.

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