Researchers for the Hampshire Business Improvement Network say that wildfires in the New Forest have boosted the local economy.
'There is a good news story here,' said a spokesman. 'It's not all about ecological damage and frightened ponies. The fires did attract extra visitors and those visitors spent money on food and drink, accommodation and fire extinguishers. We reckon that the total benefit is around £12m. That's impressive, as businesses had little time to source commemorative t-shirts or packs of Original Hand Made Hampshire Forest Fire Fudge.'
'Of course, we're not suggesting that we should repeat the fires any time soon. It's difficult to market wildfires as a tourist attraction without seeming ghoulish. Having said that, £12m is a significant boost to local businesses, and times are hard...
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In what is being described as fusion between rampant capitalism and a James Taylor tribute, Thames Water said that they will undo recent showers. Their CEO revealed that rain was watering down their profits, ‘We need shortages to drive up prices - which is why we are pumping all the fresh water directly into the sea.’
Monetising thirst means Thames Water can offer premium dryness experiences. ‘Just think about it—no more rain delays for sports; everything becomes desert ball, a brand-new franchise.’ Future plans include repurposing clouds as advertising billboards instead of wasting time making rain.
They hope to see a booming wellness industry of grit cleanses and dust immersion therapy. ‘We’ll be creating additional wildfires to use up any excess water, while the remaining dribbles will be evaporated using millions of hairdryers powered by pure spite.’
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