Starmer scours the shops for that must have Xmas present

There is always one thing at Christmas that turns out to be the ‘must have’ present and is nowhere to be found.

Remember searching for that Tracy Island toy, or Pokémon, or Cabbage Patch dolls?

Everyone is afflicted, even the Prime Minister.  Keir Starmer’s top team are scouring all the shopping centres inside the M25 on his behalf.  And Keir himself has taken a long lunch break to search the shops on Oxford Street in London.  All to no avail.

Keir is desperately searching for the perfect Christmas gift for the UK electorate.  It is called ‘good news’, but this has been in very short supply since June 2024.  Keir has come close to finding some good news, but at the last minute it is always snatched from his grasp.  He’s even tried sourcing good news from overseas, but without success.

The ending of the two-child cap seems like good news, but if you don’t also raise the benefits cap, then it’s not as good as it looks.  Supporting our pubs seems like good news, but successive hikes in minimum wage and whacking up business rates have ruined that one.  Inflation coming down seems like good news, but if the price of food keeps going up, then that’s not so good.  Reducing electricity bills by £150 also seems like good news, but if you then load on all the costs of upgrading the national grid, then the good work is undone.

So, the search continues.  Good luck, Keir.  Only seven more shopping days to Christmas...

image from pixabay

Trump to sue BBC over The Apprentice

The President has threatened to sue for $1bn, unless the Beeb remove footage that makes him look like a d%&k - specifically 14 seasons of The Apprentice. Editors are accused of splicing footage to make it look like Trump can string a sentence together or hold a rationale thought. An accusation vehemently denied, by Trump.

Filmed in Trump Towers, the show pretended that the President was solvent, knew something about business and was not molesting half the crew. This gross distortion of the facts, gave the false impression that he was of sound mind and testicles.

Trump said the BBC had repeatedly spread lies about him, making it impossible for people to take his bright orange face seriously. Even accusations that he visited the Epstein Island to have carnal knowledge of an african antelope have been dismissed by Trump as fake gnus. The Beeb have one month to come up with the cash, or he will withhold paying for his TV license.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits.

The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the guarantees are confirmed, I will leave. No, I don’t need a helicopter, I’ve already got one.

'We just want a free betting environment,' he continued. 'We are not violent extremists, more like freespin fighters. The oppressive Labour regime is committing atrocities on our profits. If they don’t want to see bodies out on the streets, then they must give us access to our God given obscene bonuses.'

Fred, AKA Freddy the Weasel, Whiney Fred and Freddie Two-Yachts, was calling from an undisclosed location, but probably his £7.5million house in Manchester, or his Lake District mansion, or his property in the South of France.

The authorities are suspicious of a new insurance policy taken out by Fred’s brother, 'Honest' Pete, on all 1,287 Betfred shops. A source known as Lucky Argyle has heard rumours that they all are going to explode during the hostage release, and the police will spend months sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, Fred and Pete be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. The classic Die Hard plan.

As usual, Sir Keir Starmer just wanted all the sausages to be released, unburnt.

Image credit: perchance.org