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An enthusiastic but unrealistic work colleague who claims that he is going to be 'all over' a task that needs completing this afternoon, is in reality only going to give it a slightly increased bit of his attention for a few minutes, it has been disappointingly revealed.
'Those excel spreadsheets with the monthly figures on - I'm totally all over those after lunch, you guys' , announced Mike McBride, reassuringly, before opening up the latest episode of The Gold on iplayer on his laptop.
‘And that presentation we’ve got to finish today pitching for a new client – I’m completely all over that, in a way you wouldn’t believe’, promised McBride, before sneaking off for an hour-long dump scrolling absent-mindedly through Facebook on his phone.
Other assertions made by McBride should be reduced by a factor of 10 to give a more reasonable indication of his attitude towards them, work colleagues have indicated.
‘Mike’s claim that he is giving 110% to a task generally means that he is sitting at his desk in sleep mode’, revealed a workmate.
‘And when he says ‘mate, I'm simply not having that', to absolutely everything, from hearing an Ed Sheeran song to a request to do the sandwich run on a Friday, it just means he has a very slight dislike of the thing in question’, continued the workmate.
‘Frustratingly, I can also reveal that his repeated reassurance that 'I've got this', generally means the exact opposite.’
A manager chairing a team meeting will never actually give on a suggestion made by a worker, despite suggesting that he will by saying ‘hold that thought’, it has been confirmed.
Mike McBride, Senior Product Manager at a professional services firm, has admitted that he used the earnest sounding, but ultimately empty, phrase as a means of neatly sidelining a suggestion by Mitch, an enthusiastic new starter to the company in the middle of a presentation McBride was giving.
‘Following up on what Mitch said in the meeting might actually involve some effort or thinking on my part’, explained McBride. ‘His intervention also showed incredible naivety, in that it assumed I actually gave a damn about his or anyone else's views'.
'I've asked my PA to explore the feasibility of scheduling some focus groups to potentially stress-test your excellent idea', explained McBride after a polite email from Mitch two weeks after the meeting to see if his suggestion had been followed through on.
'The Location of the meeting?’, continued McBride. ‘To be confirmed once the issue stops moving in the very long grass I've just kicked it into'.
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