Nadhim Zahawi offered new place in cabinet next to Liz Truss merchandise

Nadhim Zahawi is delighted to have been awarded a prestigious position in Sunak’s cabinet and cannot wait to take his place right at the back in between the cobwebs and the huge stack of ‘In Liz We Truss’ novelty mugs, which went out of circulation almost as abruptly as Zahawi’s pro Boris article in the Telegraph earlier this week.

“I don’t have an official job title yet because as Rishi explained to me, he has created this new role just for me as he feels no existing cabinet position is a match for my unique skillset,” Zahawi said. “And Rishi even promised he would get me out and give me a polish occasionally so my head doesn’t lose its glossy sheen. It is a bit dark in here and the internet connection is patchy but I’ll get used to it. What was that strange locking sound? Who’s that I can hear laughing? Rishi are you there mate…hello?”

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Penny Dormaunt

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Boris demonstrates how to make a government entirely from leftovers

Embracing the 'womble' tag that has often been used to describe his appearance, UK Prime-Minister-for-now Boris Johnson has assembled anv entire government from the politicians that "ordinary folks left behind".

Last seen rummaging in a Westminster skip looking for an Education Secretary, Johnson promised to cut political waste with his Real Junk Minister project.

Representatives of the UK's food waste charities have sought to distance themselves from the PM's initiative, saying: " We take food that supermarkets would throw away to make tasty and healthy meals that area affordable for all. Whereas this bunch of chancers just makes the public sick."

However, today's No. 10 spokesperson reassured reporters that these ministers were not for human consumption, but were simply destined to be Big Dog food.