In a press conference held beside a stack of gilded MAGA hats, President Donald Trump announced his intention to annex Trumptonshire, having ‘done tremendous research’ by watching several YouTube clips late at night. Trump praised the county as ‘very British, very quaint, frankly very annexable’, apparently unaware that Trumptonshire is a fictional setting from a 1960s UK children’s television series.
“People are saying it’s not real,” Trump said, waving away questions. “But I saw it on video. It’s perfect, it’s even named after me. The US has to have it. Beautiful town hall, great clock. We’re going to cover both in gold leaf. Classy gold. The best gold.”
Trump also revealed plans to replace the statue of Queen Victoria in Trumpton’s market square with a ‘much taller, much better looking’ gold statue of himself. The president said the neighbouring villages of Camberwick Green and Chigley would largely be demolished to make room for ‘a world-class golf course, possibly two’, though Trump reassured reporters that Chigley’s biscuit factory would be spared. “They make biscuits,” he explained, “but we don’t do biscuits, so they’re going to bake cookies now. Big ones. American-sized. The factory workers dance together at 6pm every day, when they finish work. So nice. The music’s lame, though. I’m gonna change that – I’m gonna make ‘em dance to YMCA.”
Trump said he anticipated little resistance to the annexation, noting that Trumptonshire’s only defence appears to be Pippin Fort in Camberwick Green, ‘run by a small group of soldiers, led by a guy named Captain Snort – stupid name, not like mine – ‘Trump’ is a great name’. Emergency services were also described as ‘pathetic’, consisting of a police force of just two officers, PC Potter and PC McGarry; and a fire brigade led by Captain Flack, assisted by firemen Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb. “Great people,” Trump concluded. “But not exactly NATO.”
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