Christian car insurance company excommunicates forgiveness clause

An insurance company for Christian drivers is no longer forgiving the sins of third parties due to incurring substantial losses.

Motor insurers ‘Faith Wheelers’ have notified future policy enquirers that their popular ‘forgiveness’ clause for third party accident involvement will no longer be in force.

The company attribute this change in policy as ‘similar to Paul’s transformation on the road to Damascus. Only St. Paul wasn’t rear-ended by a sinful Audi, losing millions paying for repairs’.

Broker Jacob Appletree, explained: “For thousands of years Faith Wheelers have offered believers motor insurance policies that act as the fiscal embodiment of Christ, in that we forgive sinners for their acts of idiotic driving, insofar as covering their repair costs.

“We have however been made aware of drivers with less than perfect vehicles taking advantage of our blessed nature and deliberately ramming into our flock for financial gain. That’s not how Christ works.

“The board of disciples and sharebelievers have reasoned that there once was a time and a place for loving your fellow driver as you would yourself, but it’s not f**king now. The third quarter outlook looks terrible and drastic measures have to be taken.

“Forgiveness is therefore suspended until motorkind starts respecting each other and the share price drives a holy dividend. So although we no longer forgive those that trespass against us, we hope and pray that God and His Underwriters will forgive us. Amen-d.”

image from pixabay

Would suit a man of the cloth

Car mechanic given award says 'Won’t be this week'

A car mechanic, told he’d been nominated for an Outstanding Customer Service award by members of the public, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Won’t be this week.' 

“We’re totally chocka,” said Dave Gravel of Won’t-Be-This-Week Auto Repairs, Under The Arches, Woolwich, before calling through to the workshop. 'Steve, you done that Audi yet?' When Steve replied that he had not, in fact, done that Audi yet, Gravel added, 'You're lookin’ at week o’ the 17th, earliest. Oh ‘ang on, thassa bank ‘oliday, innit…'

When a mutually convenient time was finally agreed and Gravel was given the award, he examined it from every angle, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Oo done this then?

'Bleedin’ deaftrap this is. Dunno ‘ow they sleep nights.  Reckon they get a rake off from the undertaker.'

Gravel went on to say he could 'sort it' for them for five hundred squid. 'Or five faazend, if iss an insurance job.

'But it won’t be this week.'

Image credit: Stable diffusion